Sage Wisdom From Around Me

They do, even if you don't think so."

-- Dave Terrell [meat.general] Re: ponderings of the immediate future 13 Jan 2000

15:15 <@Tambreet> What is the plural of Blagojevich?
15:18 <@Redneck> assholes.

"If Jesus didn't want me to masterbate, he wouldn't have made it fun to do."
-- MARK NOTARUS 4 Feb 2009

"I really have a problem with having people come to my house regularly who don't speak english fluently. I want to be able to communicate with them. I don't care where they were born. That's why I hire exclusively white trash cleaning ladies."
-- OG 24 Dec 2008

"I think it's AWESOME that he was auctioning off the Senate seat. That takes huevos that I can only dream of having."
-- Charley Kline on Governor Rod Blagojevich's arrest on federal corruption charges 9 Dec 2008

"apply enough thrust to anything and you'll get some lift"
"With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine."
-- Mike Magin, Josh Tolbert 8 Dec 2008

"Marriage is a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers"
-- MARK NOTARUS on the upcoming Levi Johnston-Bristol Palin nuptuals, 8 Oct 2008

"I'm so excited to have feminine traits and the Republican Party so tightly linked now."
-- KC Lemson, after I recommended that House Republicans (whose feelings were hurt by Nancy Pelosi's speech on the first $700B bank bailout bill) be given Vagisil 3 Oct 2008

"It's a bug. Clearly there is no way to 'walk' from Sydney to Seattle."
"That's why it says Kayak."
"That's not walking. If they want you to walk, they should say first sudo - jesus"
-- Sean T. O'Connor, Dan Howard 22 Jul 2008

"I like the current benefits, but there's no future. It's like being a first class passenger on the Titanic"
-- Current Motorola employee 11 Jul 2008

"Word to your moms / I came to drop bombs / I got more rhymes / than the bible's got psalms"
"psalms, bombs, and moms.... the holy trinity, if you ask me" -- Mike Khalili (quoting House of Pain), Rev. Tom 8 Jul 2008

"I think this may be the first time I've heard of Reiser successfully recovering *anything*"
-- Josh Tolbert, following the recovery of the body of Hans Reiser's wife. (fsck for ReiserFS is notorious for being an effective synonym for newfs.) 8 Jul 2008

"I had a nethack urge a few days ago. Instead, I had sex with my wife. Better choice."
-- Larry Schrof 3 Jul 2008

"Ahh, another "I knocked up my girlfriend and I have to sell my Mustang" forum post. :/ I'm never buying another Mustang or Camaro. It seems like owning one is almost a precursor to knocking a chick up. :)"
"Just make sure you steam clean the back seat"
-- Josh Tolbert, Chris Stamborski 25 Jun 2008

"she's blond, thin, somewhat more attractive than a hippopotamus who's had really bad plastic surgery, and she is outstanding at saying really stupid things that energize the nutjobs"
-- MARK NOTARUS, describing Ann Coulter to Mike Khalili, who strangely wasn't familiar with her. 1 Feb 2008

< [Ender]> Keith, guest-writing XKCD: http://www.xkcd.com/c275.html
<@Ark> the first thing I said is that someone has a John Malkovich like tube to my head
<@Ark> word for word i had that thought
-- Me, Keith Garner 11 Jun 2007

10:25 < Ark> and i know i'll be called a fan boy
10:25 < Ark> this apple phone does everything i wanted the sidekick to do
10:25 < Ark> except less shitty
10:25 < Ark> its a great product
10:25 <@David> you've never even touched the fucking thing
10:25 < Ark> i've never touched a Porsche, but i know is a great car
10:25 <@David> other people have touched it for you
10:25 < Ark> i've never touched Jenna Jameson, but i know she's a great fuck
10:26 <@David> other people have touched it for you
-- Keith Garner, David Stipp during live MacWorld keynote coverage 9 Jan 2007

11:31 <@caffeine> i'd love a prius, but i can't stuff my family into one
11:31 * [Ender] hands caffeine a shoehorn and a tube of KY
11:31 <@caffeine> KY makes the produce taste funny
-- Liz Pacini, me 16 Aug 2006

[13:45 Ark] caffeine: i would prefer to watch a movie
[13:46 Ark] but my wife would prefer to watch the bears
-- Keith Garner 26 Aug 2005

"I dont know how to explain it... He is the best fit i ever had."
-- A friend who found herself pregnant when the condom slipped off her boyfriend, she believes because she squeezed too hard during orgasm. If that's not a "best fit", I don't know what is. 5 Jun 2005

[21:42] * ikea finds men typically lazy and childlike.
[21:42 ikea] And oh yeah horny all the time.
[21:52 recursive] yep, I'm all three!
[21:52 recursive] I'm like Peter Pan with an erection!

"And yes, for those wondering, we did have sex. Through a hole in the sheet. So it's legal."
-- Newly expectant parent MARK NOTARUS 25 Apr 2005

"I decided it wasn't hard enough. So I tied it in a knot."
-- Jason Hoos 31 Dec 2004

"I hate the yankees. I like hating the yankees. Also, the cardinals. Fuck those guys."
-- Dave Terrell, in a #uiuc discussion on positive and negative attitudes 24 Sep 2004

"A fool and his money are soon parted, and one thing the Internet improves is the efficiency of commerce."
-- Dan Howard on Nigerian money scam spam 20 Jul 2004

"Bush doesn't understand anyone who wasn't born with a silver coke spoon in his nose."
-- Jon Roma 26 Jul 2004

"Until you date a guy, you have no room to talk. So either get a dick in you or be quiet."
-- Anne Nowinski on understanding the mind games men play with girlfriends 19 Apr 2004

"Driving to Bartlett would be fun. Too bad I have to install Linux."
-- Dan Sachs 18 Apr 2004

"Bush said he wanted a White House run like a corporation. Apparently, he was referring to Worldcomm."
-- Todd Markle 4 Feb 2004

"You know, [The Wall Street Journal] is read by people who run the world, [The New York Times] by people who think they run the world, Boston Globe by people's who grandfathers used to run the world, LA Times by the people who play the people who run the world in the movies and on TV, and SF Chronicle by the people who are gathering at 5pm to protest the fact they don't run the world."
-- Mike Khalili 2 Feb 2004

"Can heroes buy gyros with Euros at Niro's"
-- Jason Zych 1 Feb 2004

"AM stereo... lightning detection in two channels!"
-- Tom Dobrowolsky, 12 Jan 2004, on WGN's transition back to monaural broadcasting

"But for me, my body is a temple others place offerings in."
-- Anne Nowinski on her sexual role 7 Jan 2004

"My brother and I were half-jokingly thinking about going into private security and investigation when he retires. We'd be like Simon and Simon... then I killed the idea. Because I realized that since hes the ex-Marine I'd have to wear the Member's Only jacket and the aviator shades."
-- Matt Ivaliotes 26 Nov 2003

"At least we know that the President is asking congress for $87 to fight terrorism."
"For just pennies a day you can stop one small African child from being used as a grenade!"
-- George Abraham, Tim Skirvin [uiuc.test] Re: again with the DI... 8 Sep 2003

"If my tax dollars are going to PORNOGRAPHY, it had better be LEWD AND OBSCENE."
-- Erik Newman [uiuc.test] Re: ATTN 29 Aug 2003

"OK, i know i dislike the trend towards python more than i should. But i maintain that anyone who rewrites GOPHER in python needs to be banned from the internet. Not really because of python, but because they're still USING GOPHER."
-- Mark Notarus 8 Aug 2003

"If engineers should be required to read Shakespeare, then LAS majors should have a personal understanding of input, output, pipe, state, and function. I say "personal" because a lecture doesn't get the understanding across as nicely as typing "grep 'foo' | wc -l"
-- Todd Markle 12 Jan 2003

"Why should I have kicked around a Unix shell when there was liquor to be drunk, steam tunnels to be explored, and many interesting places to be masturbated in?"
-- Tom Dobrowolsky 12 May 2003

"I still want to start up that fusion restaurant, 'Axis' serving German-Italian-Japanese cuisine."
-- Sean T. O'Connor 19 Mar 2003

"Any piece of software that costs $200 should come with a blow job."
-- Dan Howard talking about the high price of Microsoft OS licenses 23 Feb 2003

"Presumably, though, (warning: straw man ahead) you meant a first world country were us teknologik people might be sent. You are correct, you'd get by with English on the job. But if you were there an appreciable amount of time, you would do yourself well to speak the native language because the local pub talk likely wouldn't be conducted in English, and the sweet newspaper-stand lady wanting to fix you up with her ample-breasted daughter would need to be able to speak with you, and when that hot waiter in the cafe with the tight leather trousers offered to manually froth your milk you might stare back at him blankly like the uncouth American buffoon that you are."
-- Rev. Tom M. L. Dobrowolsky [meat.general] Re: struggling with something... 8 Feb 2003

"Libor Michalek,
 Likes to skull-fuck sad clowns,
 Making them sadder."
-- Chris Shay 9 Jan 2002

"Don't make me spread your asscheeks with my ghetto sausage"
-- Mike Magin to Jorie Walsh 9 Jan 2003

"It's not a blizzard until the snow is deep enough to cover an asian girl."
-- Chris Kuehn 24 Dec 2002

"I was talking to Richard about that last week or so If you join the Mormon church, and are baptised by them *EVERY SINGLE ONE* of your ancestors is now a Mormon."
"That's a lot of Mormons... For just 2 dollars."
-- Mark Notarus, Keith Garner 12 Dec 2002

"I think it is now clear I need to find myself a European woman."
"We don't care what it is. Just find yourself a woman. Or a man. Or a sheep. Please, Mike, find yourself something to have sex with."
-- Mike Khalili, Todd Markle [meat.general] Re: Soon I'll be voting Republican... 15 Nov 2002

"I've been going out so much lately I was hoping that the happiness resulting from this would help my focus at work. Unfortunately, if anything, I care even less now."
-- Byron Faber 11 Nov 2002

"I wanted to buy a new car, but I couldn't find one endorsed by the first and last word in the quality manufacturing of cars: PEOPLE WHO SELL HOUSES!"
-- MARK NOTARUS, on learning that DaimlerChrysler is the Official Vehicle Manufacturer of the National Association of Realtors 4 Nov 2002

"I like b5, but I'm thinking the buttsex wins"
-- Keith Garner, deciding between Babylon 5 - The Complete First Season and the counter- recommended The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women 31 Oct 2002

"There would be no such thing as war if we got rid of religion and if girls weren't such prudes."
-- Gavin T., in a response to someone's livejournal entry 13 Oct 2002

"For 220 years, we've had three branches of government. Watch them battle it out on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!"
-- Dave Terrell promoting the US military police-US Marshals showdown should the judge in the Hamdi case order Hamdi produced in his courtroom 13 Sep 2002

"College Kids are Partying on a Monday. The terrorists haven't won."
-- MARK NOTARUS 9 Sep 2002

"I've actually always wanted to hit someone with a sledgehammer."
"I sure like hot guys from cable tv, yesiree."
-- comments about Sean O'Connor (I forgot to attribute them when I initially added this. Sorry.) 19 Jul 2002

"I'll offer to cook a delicious meal. And then ask him to stick his arm in the food processor."
-- Sean T. O'Fucking Connor on dealing with household intruders 1 Jul 2002

"If you're not muff-diving, you might as well be passing out reading material at the airport."
-- Dan Howard on character-building endeavors 18 Jun 2002

"Exactly, that's why I want Erin to do me next."
-- Tim Skirvin, addressing another one of Jorie Walsh's wild claims that everybody wants her 28 May 2002

"Cats are easy to talk to. hard to get them to care or answer."
"They're easy to turn into a delicious and healthful smoothie."
-- Mark Keisler, Sean T. O'Connor 21 May 2002

"You know... that's what Microsoft needs! We need a paperclip that gets a boner when the user is viewing porn on the box."
-- Ari Pernick, during a discussion of this story 21 May 2002

" yes, I enjoy combining mark notarus with sex."
-- Sean T. O'Connor 20 May 2002

"Brian, you brought light into so many people's lives. Why did you have to leave us so soon? You had so much more to offer the world. Your job here was not done. Though you left us here on earth, you will always be with us in our hearts and memories. Memories that we need to cherish and share with eachother. You were a great friend and will never be forgotten. You are in a better place now. Look down on us and keep us safe. We love you."
-- Chris Hill's AIM profile message, in the week following Brian Gillis's funeral (13 Apr 2002)

"Argh, if this Pepto I took does not do the trick, I may need to shit my pants on the way home."
-- Joe Doyle, apparently in gastrointestinal distress 11 Apr 2002

"Thanks for dying, Christ. You know, if it weren't for You, I'd be here 'till 6."
-- Dave Lemson, pleased that Microsoft lets him out early on Good Friday, no doubt to go home for an early Passover feast 29 Mar 2002

"I lost my virginity tonight, only it was more special, because it was a surprise. That first sexual experience tends to be a let down, because it's been hyped so much, when it is really something you need to practice at. Eating too much, though, well that event was something wonderful in its own right that you never want to find yourself practicing with any frequency. Damn."
-- Dan Howard 28 Mar 2002

"I call my peter 'the rock'. Much like Jesus did with his."
-- Keith Garner 15 Mar 2002

"ISG licked ass, they do lick ass, and they will continue to lick ass as long as ass is around to lick."
-- Jesse Olson on the [University of] Illinois Student Government 7 Mar 2002

"We live for the TiVo, we die for the TiVo. But we don't die for stupid TV."
-- Keith Garner 18 Feb 2002

"Of course, it's mostly vast and soulless and vapid. but I figure what the hell, might as well get Theo ready for high school now."
-- Dave Terrell on San Jose 18 Feb 2002

"Lacrosse moms can beat up soccer moms"
-- Rancho Bernardo bumper sticker

"Use shampoo as a hand lubricant...not only do you get off, but you clean your member really well at the same time"
-- Keith Garner 20 Nov 2001

"Personally, I could care less if RMS took credit for my turd. But I fear that he would accuse me of producing the turd in a closed-door setting, using proprietary means, and without giving others the opportunity to modify the turd, or otherwise participate in my turd-creation process. "
-- Anatoly Delm on RMS [meat.general] Re: Wow... 9 Nov 2001

"It's like a god damned Star Trek convention, except that the objectivists have traded in their Spock ears for molded prosthetic Ayn Rand twats."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky on Objectivism, [meat.general] Re: Hacking into airports 2 Nov 2001

"Perhaps, if you would like for people to stop telling you that you suck, you should try not sucking first."
-- Dave Terrell in a discussion about this issue of ACM@UIUC's Banks of the Boneyard 23 Oct 2001

"Hey, I don't jizz in your trashcan. SO STOP BLOWING MY DOG!"
-- Adam Haberlach 10 Oct 2001 (A variant of the "We don't pee in your pool..." quote over on Keith's page

"Hey, being a teenager was great; lots of sex! With TEENAGERS!"
-- Joe Doyle 3 Oct 2001

"CBS-Creamy Butt Suckers"
"DMSS-Damned Motherfucking Schedule Slippers"
-- Attributed to Paul Jacobs

"[...] but while I'm not particularly anti-Christian, I am against 'everybody must be X', whether X is pro-American, or Christian, or whatever. Unless X is 'pro-fellatio.'"
-- Dave Terrell 14 Sep 2001

"But a porn star running Linux is damn amusing :)"
"Yeah, it's not like it's an indication she gives it out for free! She may still demand $50 to make you holler."
"But if she gives you head for $50, you can then go give head to someone else without paying her royalties."
-- ??, me, Dave Terrell, discussing Asia Carrera 29 Aug 2001

"My old manager took me to lunch to say that I am no longer a sysadmin. Today, I am a man."
-- Joe Doyle, Tellme Master of Packages and Toolsmith 28 Aug 2001

"I know you hate everything that vaguely smacks of fun."
-- MARK NOTARUS to Joe Doyle, arguing the merits of the works of Tom Clancy 27 Aug 2001

"The people can suck my cock."
-- Mike Khalili, noted socialist and Europhile 14 Aug 2001

"Canadians are just Americans without guns"
-- Mike Khalili 24 Jul 2001

"I'm glad I bought a ten ride ticket when I went downtown the other day, as I'll be going down again soon"
"Keith, is that what you've sunk to to make money? Giving blowjobs on commuter trains?"
"Well, you know...Metra is the way to really fly or something"
-- Job-hunting Keith Garner, me 31 May 2001

"See, I didn't have to move to CA to get the dot-bomb experiance!"
-- Keith Garner, on the occasion of being laid off by The Net Squad. 24 May 2001

"I think that if this whole computer thing completely goes under, and I get laid off, I will become a machinist. 'Cause I really like cutting steel."
"What, you're not going to become a stripper?"
"I'll strip to support myself through machinst school."
-- Joe Doyle, Me 21 May 2001

"twat is in my stop list."
"You stop all twat at the border? Like they do with suspected terrorists?"
"I think they deserve a thorough examination. And, i dare say, a probing. Or should i just say 'A serious deep dicking'?"
-- Jon Roma and me, actually talking about random dictionary-generated passwords (like "You=TWiT", which someone got) 16 May 2001

"Yeah, it sounds like an awkward moment. Butt naked with another guy scrubbing your ass. But the awkward feeling goes away after about 30 seconds and it seems natural after that."
-- Todd Markle, describing Korean public baths 26 Apr 2001

"I like that Aerosmith quote. I think it's actually excellent metaphor. Since Aerosmith has always been about giving to the audience. Whereas newer bands are all about themselves and their self-congratulatory attitude and moody, self-indulgent music. Someday i hope to get my turn."
-- Charley Kline, after I pasted this quote to channel 23 Apr 2001

"My first sexual experience was in the passenger's seat of a Ford escort with a chinese-american hotty. NOT ANDREW HO."
-- Dan Howard, in a #uiuc discussion of sex sparked by a suggestion to sodomize Andrew Ho in a Ford Escort 18 Apr 2001

"Making deliveries is a lot of fun cuz you get to drive around in a truck with the brewery logo on the side and kegs visible to everyone. Nothing else makes you feel as much like you are truly doing the Lord's work and spreading the good news...and you get to enjoy the pleasant Massachusetts countryside."
-- Rev. Tom M. L. Dobrowolsky, on working for a Massachusetts microbrewery 9 Apr 2001

"Free your laptops from the oppression of work and give it porn, sweet porn."
-- Keith Garner 20 Mar 2001

"If you drink any of RMS's wine, you have to let anybody you want to punch you in the stomach and drink your vomit."
-- Dave Terrell, on the Richard M. Stallman distillery 16 Mar 2001

"Anyone would have to be insane or too stupid to breathe and chew gum at the same time to make you a a manager."
-- Joe Doyle to me (which I agree with wholeheartedly) 12 Mar 2001

"Ah, gotta get that puppy out then!"
"They're having a puppy? Hope it looks scruffy like Dave!"
-- Liz Pacini, Jon Roma on the impending Wolpinsky-Terrell birth 26 Feb 2001

"I was in this big meeting with all these army guys and it was very tempting to stand up and say 'ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!'"
-- Dave Lemson 22 Feb 2001

"Green street has lost much of its appeal lately since the crazy lady who talks loudly to herself has moved in there. She shows up around 9am every day, finds the nicest couch in the place, and alternates between sleeping, ranting to herself, and writing incoherent sentences on many pieces of paper."
"Hmmm...I had thought Ayn Rand was dead. I guess I was misinformed."
-- Charley Kline, Jason Zych [uiuc.general] Best Coffee Beans in Town? 9 Feb 2001

"I still hold that the region will be glow-in-the-dark glass by the end of the century."
"ender: werd. I'm thinking "parking lot" with a big Lowe's right next door."
-- Me, Sean T. O'Connor on the future of Israel and the vicinity 15 Feb 2001

"Carrots induce vomiting in a lot of people. I hope they never outlaw carrots, because then only outlaws would have carrots."
-- Jon Roma 21 Feb 2001

"Yes Keith. And if you had nicotine in you I'd light your head on fire and suck your ass too."
-- Anne Nowinski 8 Feb 2001

"There are a lot of things I would go back and do differently. Like the whole coke thing."
"He would've smoked instead of snorted? Another reason Clinton was cooler. We at least got a partial admission from him."
"*Eventually* The "I never inhaled" thing was uberlame. Of course Ronald Reagan smoked pot and never exhaled."
-- Adam Haberlach (referring to President Shrub,) me, Jon Roma 5 Feb 2001

"When I turn evil, you will know it because the entire planet will be blown into tiny rock chunks. I mean, c'mon, if you're going to turn evil, you go all out. Why settle for "asshole" when you can be "the man who destroyed Earth and all humanity"? You've gotta aim high, no matter what."
-- Jason Zych 3 Feb 2001

"I expect you will all be cleaning the carpeting in your rooms while sporting gigantic erections any day now."
-- Charley Kline, suggesting what happens when advertising-suggestible dorm residents hear ads for Viagra substitutes and vacuum cleaners on WBBM-AM 25 Jan 2001

"There are little lessons we can take away from lifes mishappenings. One, i think is to beware of software engineers who look like Rasputin"
-- Anne Nowinski 27 Dec 2000

I spent my junior high and high school years only building self                 
esteem from within, until I found BBSes in my junior year.  I                   
asked girls out and they said no.  I didn't have any friends.  My               
life pretty much sucked.                                                        
                                                                                
I haven't changed much since then, except my conversational skills              
are better and my political opinions are more well-founded, and I               
use drugs.                                                                      

"Someday, I would like to design a concept house which is heated entirely by live cats."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky [meat.general] Re: efficient space heaters 29 Dec 2000

"Curt, you're not a captain, you have no business with him. But I do-- man, that call was bad!!"
-- USD HS boys' basketball coach, talking to a player and then an official, drawing a technical foul, vs. Mt Miguel 16 Dec 2000

"Gotta love meatnews, how many other places do you get to hammer down the definition of 'visibly jizzing'."
-- KC Lemson, [meat.general] Re: The meatnews parade outside my office 2 Nov 2000

"Essential reading for anyone who's ever secretly dreamed of being a badass."
-- Benjy Feen on Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash

"Sunnyvale is most assuredly become no more then another tuft of butt hair on the great sweaty asscrack that is route 101."
-- Todd Markle 27 Jul 2000

"If she was any more full of shit i'd light her on fire and put her on a neighbor's door step, ring the bell and run away."
-- Brian White on Britney Spears 24 Jul 2000

"Look...just as bad English is the international language... crap HTML is the international net markup language."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky 17 Jul 2000

"Some of the best fucks I've ever had were Catholic fucks."
-- Todd Markle, in a discourse on global variations in devout Catholicism 11 Jun 2000

"Honestly, if someone wants to show up to my wedding in a barbed wire thong and sandals, more power too 'em."
-- Dave Terrell 11 Jul 2000

"Fortunately, being a dad is kind of like being in the army. Someone else is in control of your life, you get a lot of exercise, and you get woken up at all sorts of odd hours of the morning."
-- Dave Terrell, expectant father 11 Jul 2000

"I have at least one more guitar to buy before I even think about kids"
-- Matt Ivaliotes, in the shadow of Dave Terrell's announcement that his woman's expecting 10 Jul 2000

"College is cool beacuse of the people. In the past 4 years i have met so many amazing people. Some i'm glad I've only talked to once. Some I've met right before they were heading off and i didn't get to know them very well some have become amazing friends and some have seriously pissed me off."
-- Rene Hendrix 27 Jun 2000

"I can only abide such arrogance if it's attatched to a 9 inch cock and ramming up me."
-- Anne Nowinski, on the canned arrogance of "You misspelled '<word>'. Hope this helps." 21 Jun 2000

"Given what the web's first big industry was, I always figured HTTP stood for, 'Here's The Tantalizing Porn'."
-- Jason Zych 20 Jun 2000

"Well, it's up your butt. It causes you to jizz."
-- Paul Watts' one-line description of the prostate gland 15 Jun 2000

"'Senior Firmware Engineer' sounds more like a euphemism for 'stunt penis' in a porn flick."
-- Paul Bleisch 24 May 2000

"I mean, I send a guy out for some nacho dip and chips, he comes back with Boone's and Barely Legal."
-- Joe Doyle, about Benjy Feen 11 May 2000

"If your goal is big profits, you have two choices, yield to customer wishes, or steal underpants."
-- Mike Khalili [meat.general] Re: the slants on the virus 5 May 2000

From: notarus@notarus.net (Mark Notarus)                                        
Newsgroups: meat.general                                                        
Subject: Re: *sigh*                                                             
Date: 4 May 2000 03:55:01 GMT                                                   

While snorting cherry jolt, dbt@meat.net (dbt) claimed:                         
>Tim Skirvin  says:                                      

>>     Why is there a speech party going on at my house?  Help?                 
>                                                                               
>1) Find a hot chick                                                            
>2) Do her                                                                      
>3) Lather                                                                      
>4) Rinse                                                                       
>5) Repeat                                                                      
                                                                                
It's the sign of a true gentleman to gently cleanse a women before you make     
her sweaty again.                                                               

"Join the army, we put the bullet hole in dot mil"
-- Dan Howard 27 Apr 2000

"So, its kinda like the Fort, but there are people sicker than Libor."
-- Brandon Long, describing the porn e-mail lists on eGroups 27 Apr 2000

"[AC/DC:] 5 great guys, three great chords"
"Def Leppard: 5 great guys, 9 great arms"
-- Keith Garner, Sean T. Fucking O'Connor 24 Apr 2000

"How can you code, with all this talk of rectal cramming?"
-- Mark Ashton 24 Apr 2000

"I'm thinking that Republicans wants child abuse and neglect to be the sole right of heterosexuals."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky 19 Apr 2000

"I don't see much of a difference between playing blackjack and investing in the stock market, except that you usually get free drinks when you're playing blackjack."
-- Jason Luther [uiuc.cs.undergrad] Re: Investing 7 Apr 2000

"I feel i should stand up at a podium and introduce myself
Hello ladies, my name is Anne
HI ANNE
and i love dick too"
-- Anne Nowinski [meat.general] Re: The final word 6 Apr 2000

"Also, launching people with those sorts of accelerations might be a bit tricky."
"There's always room for Jell-o."
-- Mike Magin, Dan Sachs on railguns as space launchers, [meat.general] Re: Nanotechnology (Was: More Breasts) 5 Apr 2000

"God i couldn't handle a Catholic wedding. I am so glad i married a Jew."
-- KC Lemson 4 Apr 2000

"I hope one of my kids decides he/she's gay so that I can be cool with it."
-- KC Lemson [meat.general] Re: more great toys from mattel 29 Mar 2000

"Oh my god, I agreed with Tim Skirvin."
"You bastard!"
-- Charley Kline, Tim Skirvin [uiuc.general] Re: Dorm net and friendly sites 29 Mar 2000

"I hate people who spend forever primping. I mean, first of all when you're fucking them their hair gets all messed up anyway, and second of all, when they're sucking you off you only see hair anyway. And that gets messy when you grab the back of their skulls."
-- Dave Terrell [meat.general] Re: Snow Crash Casting 29 Mar 2000

"If Al Gore sees his shadow, not only will he pee himself, but it'll mean 4 more years of [Janet] Reno."
-- Keith Garner 14 Mar 2000

"1) underpants, 2) quotes 3) profit...the missing link!"
-- Pam Schorr, solving the Underpants Gnomes' dilemma 13 Mar 2000

"cuz mines not big enough?"
-- Dan Tentler, trying to justify acquiring a bigger weapon 10 Mar 2000

"Not that I condone plagiarism, or any -ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism; he should believe in himself. I quote Jack Handey: "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." A good point there. Of course, he was the Deep Thoughts guy. I could be the Deep Thoughts guy; I'd still have to bum quotes off of people."
-- Jason Zych [uiuc.test] Re: Emergency Broadcast 28 Jan 2000

"When I was a child, I thought like a child, I played like a child, I edited like a child. But now I am all grown up, and i must put away childish editors, and use vi."
-- Dave Terrell 25 Feb 2000

"I mean, if this was Star Trek, he would look just me with a goatee"
-- Mark Ashton, describing Tim Skirvin as the Anti-Ashton 23 Feb 2000

"Adulthood is great! It's growing up that sucks."
-- Andy Duston 21 Feb 2000

"You folks just wait. When the U of I CS dept. IPOs I'm gonna be worth millions."
-- Jason Zych 12 Feb 2000

"I don't want to sleep with Brian."
"Thanks ari. I sleep easier at night knowing that."
-- Ari G-S, Brian Swetland 4 Feb 2000

"I went into a womens' bathroom once. But that was just to install the cameras."
-- Brian White 1 Feb 2000

"Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. Like teenage girls only they don't taste like fish."
-- Dave Terrell on the new Burger King fries 19 Jan 2000

"I wonder if that's a coincidence or if the world is really a novel. Sometimes i think that i can feel the plot twist. Maybe deja vu just means that you've read the book that you're currently in."
-- Lorah McArdle 19 Jan 2000

"You know, on most mailing lists, Joe Random user WOULD be running Windows, but this is [list], where Operating Systems are like California racial categories."
-- Dan Howard, after someone who should know better sent an MSWindows program attachment to this mailing list 13 Jan 2000

"Anyone offended by the word `ass' should retire to a life of rereading `Little Women' and embroidering samplers for the Ladies' Comstock Society."
-- Charles on the ejw list

"That's a waste of a stamp"
-- Rev. Tom Dobrowolsky on mailing semen 21 Dec 1999

"You have a big slab of meat!"
-- Rev. Tom Dobrowolsky 21 Dec 1999

"I am Buzz Lightyear! Do me up the butt!"
-- Keith Garner 21 Dec 1999

"I don't like virgins. They annoy me."
-- Anne Nowinski 21 Dec 1999

"Some day that movie will come out on DVD and I will do nothing but sit around all day with freeze frame on those two girls, masturbating. For months."
-- Dave Terrell, talking about American Beauty and its stars, Thora Birch and Mena Suvari 7 Dec 1999

"Ah, trains--Ritalin that goes 'woo-woo.'"
-- Mary Curran-Downey, "Train Show Can Carry Us Back To Youth", San Diego Union-Tribune 4 Dec 1999

"I'm cheating on Laura with my new Cisco 7140 router. That box can do the most amazing things with it's serial port."
-- Ben Jahner 19 Nov 1999

"cvs -d :pserver:cvs@cvs.samba.org:/cvsroot login"
"Oh. Using bleeding edge samba code? You are HARDCORE!"
-- Sean T. Fucking O'Connor, Mike Magin 19 Nov 1999

"Every poop i drop is art"
-- Joe Gross 18 Nov 1999

"'Dare to be Stupid' is appropriate for any and all situations, from military invasions to negotiations."
-- Tim Skirvin [local.talk] Re: Ultimate Sex Songs 9 Nov 1999

"I like making jokes while I fuck."
-- Ari G-S [local.talk] Re: Ultimate Sex Songs 8 Nov 1999

"Yeah, I'm not a hottie. I just have a big dick."
-- Aaron Edwards 5 Nov 1999

"DVD is the best thing since sliced babies."
-- Tori Lease 22 Oct 1999

"So one way to describe what is wrong is that you had too many parenthesis and not enough dots."
-- Franklin Antonio, suggesting a solution to my problem with integer vs. floating point division in C++ 19 Oct 1999

"There is only one hockey, the REAL hockey, where people go flying down the ice at 30 mph and everyone has sharp metal tied to their feet. Field hockey is like Caffeine Free Mountain Dew."
-- Steve Hilberg [uiuc.test] Re: Baseball is such a boring game 29 Sep 1999

"IRC is all about cutesy flirting."
"And serious deep-dicking."
-- Dan Howard, Joe Doyle 20 Sep 1999

"Yeah, but who cares about the tire noise when you are getting a blow job from from chick who gets turned on by high speeds?"
-- Vik Adukia, in the middle of an I-can-tell-my-speed-by-listening-to-the-tires discussion 17 Sep 1999

"So close you can smell the asscracks."
-- Brady Justice, describing his right-behind-home-plate seats at the Padres game, 9 Sep 1999

"...and I miss having fins up my butt."
-- Dave Terrell 8 Sep 1999

"Nothing goes in my ass without a +o"
-- Dan Tentler 7 Sep 1999

"I'm sure i'm smaller than everyone in this channel."
-- Adam Herscher, who I haven't seen with his pants off, so I can't confirm or deny that, so we'll just have to take his word for it. (But if it's true, it would be shocking. After all, Brady's the one who could pass for 12.) 7 Sep 1999

"Man I am really enjoying all 19 inches of this. This is so sweet I don't want to go back to work"
-- KC Smith 24 Aug 1999

"There's nothing like a big fat dick in the ass to brighten up your day."
-- Former Colleague, on learning he'd been victimized by his bank's mistake, upon his return from a 2-week European Vacation 23 Aug 1999

"I'm not prep.. I just act like it to get goth chicks."
-- Ben Jahner 19 Aug 1999

<Fumbling> so what should i do in san francisco today?
<meekay> get a blowjob from an attractive young boy
<Fumbling> i did that last week
-- Jason Luther, Mike Kolb 12 Aug 1999

"I should take up homosexuality as a hobby"
-- Jason Govig, during an IRC discussion of men in skirts and adventures at C-Street 6 Aug 1999

"They are running solaris 7 with all the latest security holes"
-- Vik Adukia, speaking about UIUC's CS department instructional labs, both a statement on the (historically) sad low attention to security issues within Sun Microsystems, and the (historically) sad low attention to security issues by CSIL's administration. 5 Aug 1999

"I think its just that I havent known anything in quite some time."
-- Jessica Warth 29 Jul 1999

"I prefer to think of life as a cycle in a washing machine. Eventually we all hit the rinse cycle."
-- Jon Roma 20 Jul 1999

"Some folks follow the Romantic school, some the Beatniks, I am a student of Bleisch's school of fuck."
-- Anne Nowinski on poetry 6 Jul 1999

"Oooh! That gave me a boner!"
-- Catherine, Jill's roommate, when a guy in a Mustang peeled out next to us in traffic 4 Jul 1999

"Hehe.. we called helpdesk, and the person answered the phone 'hello, we know.'"
"They left off the 'jack-shit' part."
-- Doug Grim, Jay Kreibich 30 Jun 1999

"You really don't have any concept of the future, do you?"
"I have a gun but no cookies."
"You seem to have a keen understanding of capitalism, however."
-- Ron, Billy the 8-year old homicidal maniac, Go Die

"That which doesn't kill me makes me neurotic."
-- Ron, Go Die

"The world would be a much, much better place if everyone would just think for themselves... well, except for all you really stupid people of course. You could really screw things up."
-- Ron, Go Die

"When I grow up, if I'm rich enough, will I be able to kill anyone I want and get away with it?"
"Oh Billy... you can kill anyone you want right now and get away with it! At least until you're twelve..."
"Yippee!"
-- Ron, Billy the 8-year old homicidal maniac, Go Die

"If you love someone, set her free. If she loves you, she'll come back... right after she fucks a bunch of other people."
-- Ron, Go Die

"Do you ever feel so depressed that you can't get out of bed in the morning? Why don't you cheer the fuck up?"
-- Ron, Go Die

"This kind of thing makes me want to go out and buy a trenchcoat. ...and a DVD player"
-- Joe Gross, in response to news that The Matrix and its trenchcoat-clad acrobatic gunmen would not be released for sale on videotape, in the wake of the Columbine shootings 28 Jun 1999

"Earthquakes on the other hand are completely unpredictable, cover a large area, and you can not easily hide from them, unless you move to Tornado Alley."
-- Ron Palmer, assuaging fears about Life In Tornado Alley [qc.talk] Re: House with basement 24 May 1999

"Hillary Clinton addressed a "Women for Gore" rally... which sounds like horror film fans at first. She led the crowd in chants of 'Finish Him!!!'"
-- Matt Ivaliotes 3 Jun 1999

"Also, they're proponents of "GNU/Linux" and I'm against encouraging Stallman, as he's a nutcase."
-- Brian Swetland, on why he won't install Debian 3 Jun 1999

"Stallman is a crackwhore, though."
-- Dave Terrell, following a defense of Debian 3 Jun 1999

"Richard Stallman: Nutcase or crackwhore? Next on 20/20..."
-- Paul Watts 3 Jun 1999

"Actually it could be the 'I have to wear robe around because I can't find a tailor that's will make my inseam large enough to fit my enormous cock.' ambience."
-- Jason Habbley, discussing the ambience of wearing a bathrobe to work, a la the May 25th (June 1st online) Dilbert 1 Jun 1999

"Of course, that is one of the reasons I like you, you don't want me for my body, you avoid me for my personality."
-- Allen Carley 1 Jun 1999

"Beowulf: the first known gangsta rap."
-- Joe Doyle 24 May 1999

chmod 000 steve.twat
Now no one can touch your twat
Now priests with root can use chmod to prevent self abuse amongst youngsters

"Jake was born. Jake started acting. Jake had a Rice Krispy treat for lunch today."
-- Anne Nowinski's unauthorized biography of Jake Lloyd 17 May 1999

"Working at Amazon is really cool, in the same way that fuel-air explosives are really cool."
-- Benjy Feen 6 May 1998

"I want to set Ja up with a world full of beautiful and charming women"
"Just not THIS world"
-- Anne Nowinski, Jason Beatty 5 May 1999

"[Is there] a great predestined plan?"
"Yup. It's mine. Be afraid."
"So you're saying there's Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and Funkytown?"
-- Mike Khalili, Kate Hellenga, Todd Markle [uiuc.test] Re: Trench Coat Mafia 25-26 Apr 1999

09:45 * sger kneels down to suckle on the cock of Solaris.
09:45 <sger> MMmmmm, mmmmm, mmmm, *gag*, mmmmm, mmmm

"Oh, you didn't hear? The Internet has been found guilty of Everything, and is to be executed at sunrise tomorrow. Get your ftp's done while you can."
-- Lars Clausen, in the shadow of the Littleton, CO (Columbine HS) shootings, which will surely be blamed in part on the Internet, [uiuc.test] Trench Coat Mafia 22 Apr 1999

"Further attempts at diplomacy would have been as effective at preventing war as a campaign to teach housewives how to cook pot roast would stamp out domestic violence."
-- Todd Markle [uiuc.general] Re: ANN: Lecture, Carl Estabrook 22 Apr 1999

"It only cost me $125, and I was strapped to a guy who knew what he was doing"
-- Mike Kolb 21 Apr 1999

"I bet space is really loud too! After all there's no cops telling people to shut down their stereos."
-- Jon Roma 21 Apr 1999

* gdm kittens his ginger ale.
<daria> what the heck is 'kittening'
<gdm> daria: Forcibly ejecting fluid from the mouth, through the nose,
      out into the world.
<Aleph> I used to want to get a girl to do that with my semen.  I've
        since decided that that would be evil, and would endanger my
        ability to be fellated in the future.
<Aleph> :)
<Aleph> What a punk I was.

"Microsoft customers are like Jews - there are 15 different interpretations for everything."
-- Dave Lemson 17 Mar 1999

"veni, vidi, velcro...i came, i saw, i stuck around"
-- Dan Foygel 16 Mar 1999

"After such an experience, I can work on drum brakes while masturbating...and derive pleasure from both."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky 10 Mar 1999

"I didn't come back from the 10-year [HS reunion] with a vagina, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Mind you, I wasn't shopping to own. I just wanted in on a timesharing option."
-- Todd Markle 9 Mar 1999

"Ms. [Ayn] Rand is living proof of how someone can be intelligent, and yet not at all capable of reasoning. Well, dead proof."
-- Mark Notarus 4 Mar 1999

"Yeah, but can you safe a room in 3 seconds with a TV? Well, if you turned on Party of Five, maybe but the Geneva Convention and all..."
-- Benjy Feen, comparing the purchase of a shotgun versus consumer electronics 4 Mar 1999

"Plus who said that if you take it up the ass, you need to support big government and excessive taxation?"
-- Paul Litvak <plitvak@students.uiuc.edu> [uiuc.general] Re: New Observer Issue 25 Feb 1999 on why "gay conservative" isn't a contradiction in terms

"Mardi Gras day is like Halloween on acid."
-- Jennifer Kent on the spring festivities in New Orleans 19 Feb 1999

"Yes, it's true. I have absolutely no brain activity."
-- James Peal [uiuc.general] Re: (no subject) 8 Feb 1999

"she's a few tacos short of a combination plate."
-- KC Smith 30 Dec 1998

"Let me cum all over your face!"
"Oh please, please Ari!"
-- Ari G-S & Keith Garner 26 Dec 1998

"You can have romance with lots of people you're not in love with -- take it from me!"
-- Benjy Feen 26 Dec 1998

"I keep forgetting to get some."
-- Keith Garner, thankfully talking about chili, else we'd have to worry. 26 Dec 1998

"Yes! I'm gonna have a rimjob!"
-- Keith Garner, about his new job at some place called Rims 26 Dec 1998

"Two ROMs and demux and you have a floppy controller. What's not to love?"
-- Joel Jones on the Apple II floppy disk controller design 10 Dec 1998

"Pez and triple expresso are also good. Alas, they don't MIME encode well."
-- Pat Dughi 5 Dec 1998

"The Lexus Sport-Utility vehicle is the nastiest piece of wannabe ass crack i've ever seen.
However, you can tell a good SUV because they look good covered in mud. This can also be used as a good litmus test for women, too."
-- Chris Stamborski [local.talk.dreams] Re: dream fragment 9 Nov 1998

"We need a porn search engine."
"We already have a porn search engine. It's called 'altavista'"
-- Colleen Noonan, Mark Notarus 9 Nov 1998

"NT5 is 'just arround the corner'....for sufficently large definitions of 'just'."
-- Mark Notarus [uiuc.test] Re: This is kinda neat 8 Nov 1998

"...only unless you fail to regularly clean the needle on your pornograph. And if you employ a less than meticulous technician to help clean it, you'll wind up with mono. And high fidelity pornography should always be enjoyed in its native quadrophonic format."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky [uiuc.general] Re: How to enforce laws 12 Oct 1998

"My mom once called the child abuse hotline when i was 7 because I had severly fucked someothing up, and she felt she couldnt handle it and thought shed do damage to me. They put her on hold for 10 minutes. She started laughing and forgot to beat me."
-- Anne Nowinski 6 Oct 1998

"do they taste like thai?"
"Only if they've been using peanut & coconut milk douche."
-- Anne Nowinski & Brandon Long on Urbana hookers 30 Sep 1998

"[His] essays on the StarLost directors were a challenge to the printing industry---they had to develop a paper with sufficient asbestos content to prevent spontaneous combustion."
-- Greg Noel about Harlan Ellison 22 Sep 1998

"I don't know if this would be my primary motivation, but I'd like to be the guy who paces alongside commuter jets at 20,000 feet, tossing chickens into the engine intakes."
-- Sean T. O'Connor on why he'd like to be able to fly [uiuc.general] Re: Something to ponder 13 Sep 1998

"Fucking many people, using sex as a way to express friendship as well as commitment minded love. It's actually nice in theory, but so is Catholicism."
-- Anne Nowinski on polyamory 9 Sep 98

"My hours are so flexible that they can perform oral sex on themselves."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky 4 Sep 1998

"I tend to whine when things suck hard."
-- Jon Roma 4 Sep 1998

"We're still doomed."
"Oh. Yes.. most certainly. Thank you, drive thru."
-- Jason Beatty, Jeff Randall, in an IRC discussion of Y2K martial law 2 Sep 1998

"I was pissed i was only a tropical storm."
-- Charley Kline 26 Aug 1998

"I was an IDE-CDROM, but now I am circumsised so MY prong is no longer SCSI!!!"
-- Ari Gordon-Schlosberg [local.tech] Re: Help! 20 Aug 1998

"The ionosphere doesn't count as 'complex plumbing'?"
-- Phil Karn 19 Aug 1998

"women slowly leak, they have no regard for how precious body fluids really are, and they also smell kind of funny."
-- Libor 10 Aug 1998

"That lightning and thunder ruled. Ajay got literally the crap scared out of him. He was outside wandering around the yard in his usual ho hum way and there was anvil lightning directly overhead and almost instantly a deafening crash that made ME jump. And Ajay instantly crouched and left a huge pile."
-- Charley Kline 3 Aug 1998 It's not every day that you hear about ordinary idioms being literally true

"Until then, I will have to settle for my discarded driving lamps...which will double as back up lamps...in order to actually see the people I am about to run over."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky [uiuc.general] RE: SUVs, Trucks, and Mom 29 Jul 1998

"If there is one thing I can not stand, it's resetting the cruise control unnecessarily."
-- Ari Gordon-Schlosberg [uiuc.general] Re: SUVs, Trucks, and Mom (was Re: School uniforms) 29 Jul 1998

"The strip club across from Mexican place we went to was called 'Crazy Horse', but the Z burned out, so I said, 'Cray Horse? They must strip really fast in parallel!'"
-- Keith Garner 24 Jul 1998

"When you sign up for $20 worth of raffle tickets, you get a rat with the world's biggest anus."
-- Keith Garner 24 Jul 1998

"I just can't score to save my life" and
"The other guy let me score just to make me feel good"
-- Jason Hoos 13 Jun 1998

"hotness of moms is not a conserved quantity"
-- Joe Doyle, after claiming that his mom is hot, while we all know that Sean's Mom Is Hot(tm) 27 Jul 1998

"I heard that the Beverly Hills PD has a couple of Range Rovers. But these go up to 11..."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky on odd police cars [uiuc.general] Re: SUVs, Trucks, and Mom 26 Jul 1998

"And in that spirit, I plan on using it to mean, 'unthinking ultra-leftist liberal nazi.' To use it in a sentance, 'Mike Khallili has been a total Mao pimp on this newsgroup.'"
-- Joe Doyle [uiuc.general] Re: Mao Pimp 24 Jul 1998

"There were some of us who preferred to dress comfortably and carry a big trout."
-- Mike Khalili [uiuc.general] Re: School Uniforms 21 Jul 1998

"Well, it's important to exercise now and then, just to break the monogamy."
-- Benjy Feen during a #uiuc discussion of one of Keith's ex-GF's having a pierced clitoral hood 6 Jul 1998

"Charley Kline is my eschatalogical basis of my existence and the ground of my being."
-- Joel Jones 29 Jun 1998

"HTML mail... the 90's equivalent of letters on scented stationary."
-- Dan Foygel 3 Jun 1998

"Information not only wants to be free, it's a master locksmith."
-- Tim Skirvin to Dave Terrell [fun.yow] Re: Mmmm...pr0n 1 Jun 1998

"my family is so screwed up the ass it's not even a sitcom anymore. it's a whole fucking broadway comedy musical made into a mini series with action figures"
-- Jen Webber 27 May 1998

"Sean [O'Connor], with his innocent Irish-boy look, could probably get laid in a Belfast minute if he put his efforts solely into pimping hos and not administering students"
-- Jason Beatty 26 May 1998

"I think next week is "Flame Mark Roth to a Crisp". It's yet another part of Jewish flame month, where you can flame a new jew each week."
-- Vikram Adukia [uiuc.test] Re: so like...yeah 23 May 1998

"You get attitude from your mentors. It's like sourdough bread or chlamydia"
-- Benjy Feen on Unix systems administration 12 May 1998

"People who think taxes are evil can shampoo my crotch."
-- Ari Gordon-Schlosberg [uiuc.general] Re: Dannyman's rant 8 May 1998

"The time for civility is over; the time for hooliganism is nigh."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky, on how to approach the campus ban on non-Coke products 4 May 1998

"'Caca' is a technical term for 'memory scribble'."
-- Ilan Peer 30 Apr 1998

"And no we aren't charging (except if you exceed your quota of lame complaint posts). And yes, there will be adequate logs to track down people who loan their access to others. yadda yadda yadda"
-- Mike Gardner to Dan Howard [cmi.general] Re: Building cmi traffic 30 Apr 1998

"She was worried that I might get a bad impression about sorority girls. I told her that this incident didn't change my impression of sorority girls at all. She thought it was a compliment. Stupid bitch."
-- Jason Habbley, on the crowd of bar-crawling SoHos (sorority whores) that stumbled into Murphy's 27 Apr 1998

11:05  what's screen got to do, got to do with it
11:05  what's screen but second hand gnu app
11:05  what's screen got to do, got to do with it
11:05  who needs a screen when X can be running

Prompting these responses:
"I'm all for the rights of unborn babies to die and be killed."
-- Joe Doyle

"I have performed complex data calculations and, in exactly 95% of the cases, have found that it is far more economical to sell the aborted babies to be used as the main ingredient for feed in Kansas feed lots."
-- Tom Dobrowolsky

[uiuc.general] PRO-CHOICE ROCKS! 23 Apr 1998

"In the future, there will be these new bed-and-breakfasts, like bordellos crossed with tech support, where harried computer guys can go to get fed tea and jam, told that their squishy, gelatinous, dough-like pectorals are large and firm, and receive expert advice on their technical woes. Steam-cleaning will cost extra."
-- Benjy Feen 7 Apr 1998

"It's nice having a girlfriend who's under NDA."
-- Dave Lemson 30 Mar 98

"I'm not even asking for a girlfriend; I'll use the fame from Electric Charley Land to get blow-jobs from skanky adolescent sluts. I mean, if I'm being preposterous, just let me know, and I'll re-order my priorities."
-- Joe Doyle [uiuc.test] My modest desires 17 Mar 98

"Where do you want to lick me today?"
-- Todd Markle, revising KC Smith's trademark quip 9 Mar 98

"Don't stand in a wet area when energizing your power bar."
-- Paul Pomes 6 Feb 98

"The nice thing about cats is when you kick them, they go flying."
-- Brandon Long 9 Feb 98

"Specialization is for insects."
-- The .signature of Benjy Feen

"Exams aren't really work. They're just deadlines."
-- Tim Skirvin 10 Dec 97

"Larry, today, seems to me, is angst with a side of fries."
-- Keith Garner 7 Nov 97

"Go sit on the beach with a sign that says 'UNIX ADMIN' and I guarantee you'll get blown in 5 minutes."
-- Declan Fleming 1 Nov 97

"Quality is like a blowjob: Either you lick it right away or you suck on it all day."
-- Unnamed Associate 24 Oct 97

"Since when is football about winning at all? What's important is that we have a nicely renovated stadium that students can enjoy for years to come."
-- Jordan McClure 22 Oct 97

"Apathy: It's not just for whitey anymore"
-- Tori Lease, after reading an article in The Onion about the growing number of lazy, shiftless Asian kids

"NMK is an invention of the devil, useful only in his workshop, DOS."
-- Paul Williamson 16 Oct 97

"DAMMIT!! IF IT'S GOING TO TAKE YOU 15 MINUTES TO COME BACK I WANT 8 BREADSTICKS BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE THAT MANY BEFORE YOU COME BACK BITCH!!!"
-- Joe Gross [uiuc.test] Re: I Just Had Fazoli's 9 Oct 97

"There are great blowjob artists in EVERY religion"
-- Anne Nowinski 7 Oct 97

"AOL is the south-of-green of the internet."
"I think you meant Cabrini-Green"
-- Joe Gross, Keith Garner [uiuc.test] Quotes from the trenches 6 Oct 97

"If the Internet is a street, it must be the Dan Ryan in August."
-- Benjy Feen [uiuc.test] Quotes from the trenches 6 Oct 97

"I've never slept with a cat. Some day, I shall."
-- g0ff Raye 1 Oct 97

"My stock went up 3 dB since I bought it!"
-- Tim Thome 30 Sep 97

"Please do the smoking on: z:\foo\bar\bang\BLARG_0210"
"I smoked it and it was good. Ship it."
-- Marjorie Abrams, Jae Noh, smoke-testing a software build 24 Sep 97

"[Why]...are the doors at DCL bar coded? Only explanation I could think of was that it would give more accurate prices at the checkout..."
-- John Lalande 25 Sep 97

"Actually, the Supreme Court decides what is a violation of your rights. Congress *creates* the rules which violate your rights."
-- Paul Watts [uiuc.test] Re: The RSO office must die... 19 Sep 97

"Suburban goths are almost as laughable as suburban gangstas ... 'We are dark and edgy and evil...and daddy says we can stay out until 11'"
-- Matt Ivaliotes 5 Sep 97

"Poor Bohr, his willy would shrivel off if it truly came anywhere near the hydrochloric-acid fooch of rachel's."
-- Fred Jacobs (I believe) 4 Sep 1997
Formerly attributed as "Name Withheld To Protect The 'Nads Of The Innocent"

"[Shower] Curtains exhibit far more durability to indoor shotgun discharges."
"Is that what they call it nowadays?"
-- Burr Nelson, Dan Foygel [uiuc.test] Re: shower curtain rings 2 Sep 97

"So I just woke up from a few hours of sleep. I had this really horrible dream where someone had cloned me via an rsh tar pipe."
-- Joe Gross 16 Aug 97

"The other nice thing about Lisa is that I can fit in her fairly comfortably"
-- Mark Roth 16 Jul 97

"Johnny, you continue to demonstrate an amazingly slippery grasp of reality."
-- Mike Gardner to "Internet security specialist, programmer extraordinaire, part-time hacker, and all around nice guy" John C. A. Bambenek, [uiuc.general] Re: Dialup servers 10 Jul 97

"Using the "Start" button for shutdown is an example of Negative Logic such has not been seen since the advent of TTL."
-- Dave Doan on Micro$oft Windows NT 8 Jul 97

"Drop what you're doing, quit your job if you need to, but SEE THAT FLICK"
-- Mark Notarus on "Clerks" 26 Jun 97

"Yes, it never ceases to amaze me how much work some Jews will go through in order to not do any work."
-- Jordan McClure, following Dave Lemson's description of "shabbat elevators" 23 Jun 97

"Try as I might, I can't help but think of the term "Flying Feast" in terms of projectile vomiting."
-- Jon Roma [uiuc.test] Re: what's a salsa party? 19 Jun 97

"If the industry's cyclical and goes into a slump, there's plenty of other things you can do in the meantime"
"Yeah... I could be a prostitute!"
"What would you consider that? Lotus Notes?"
-- Me, Amy Ryan, Joe Lohmar 18 Jun 97

"encap is actually just a virus that propagates because the cool people think it's cool."
-- Charley Kline 20 May 97

"Half the quotes from me on your quotes page are about hickies. This is a Bad Thing(tm)"
-- either Amy Ryan or Kristin Buxton, I forget which, 15 May 97
This was left unattributed for two and a half years. That's a long time in computer years.

"The source code motel. Your source code checks in, but it doesn't check out."
-- Charley Kline on SCCS, the Source Code Control System 15 May 97

"I will *not* push this through. You see, I'm not God. I don't pretend I'm God, and I certainly won't play God for channels. I don't promote warez kids with less than 1 year of IRC experience playing God, either."
-- Craig Huegen [IRC routing list] on the netserv project 14 May 97

"Ah, those were the days... Men were real men, Infocom games were real Infocom games, and Sorcerers Got All The Girls."
-- Mark Roth [uiuc.test] Re: encap'd nn test... 2 May 97

"But the amount of fun that I derive from taking something seriously, adding a grain of salt, and performing a miracle of alchemy to produce my two cents is... well, quite frankly, too long of a split infinitive to be read without being confusing as fuck"
-- Fred Jacobs 5 Apr 97

"Well I decided if this whole computer technology thing didn't work out, i wanted to be able to fall back on a career as a sorority chick. I'll be buying the makeup and polkadot dress tomorrow."
-- Amy Ryan, posting from a kam.uiuc.edu account (which I "confused" with Kam's, one of the campus frat/sorority sleaze hangouts) 25 Mar 97

"Who needs to be big when you've got the fart of death?"
-- Larry Schrof on self-defense 25 Mar 97

"Do not look upon Larry Smarr for he is pure evil and thou shalt turn to a pillar of salt."
-- Joe Gross 23 Feb 97

"I do not want to think about Amy and I touching the same penis."
-- Someone whom I remind of someone she used to know a long time ago, whom I'm not going to attribute 21 Feb 97 And no, she's not talking about mine, either.

"In the future, all software will word-wrap. All turds will be perfectly round. And they will go "plop"."
-- Pete Zurich 20 Feb 97

"Right now I am but a girl, using pine, but some day I will blossom into a woman who hacks a newsreader and makes it her own. I'm glad that I have role models to look up to like KC, so that I may dream of the day when I too will become a woman."
-- Lorah McArdle [uiuc.test] Re: Newsreaders vs Web Browsers (formerly test vs. lsm) 19 Feb 97

"They stack. You can swallow them. They've made dinosaurs out of them."
-- Tim Skirvin on why LEGOs rule 18 Feb 97

"LICK ME WHERE THE TICKLE ME ELMO DON'T FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS."
-- Fred Jacobs 16 Feb 97

"I was not merely a snatch. I was a breathtaking, exhilerating, mind-blowing FUCK."
-- Anne Nowinski 15 Feb 97

"I don't like people being compromised while having fun."
-- Jim Hutchison 14 Feb 97

"The WINS server clears itself out on a pretty random basis - whenever it feels like it. It is, after all, a Microsoft product."
-- Dave Terrell [uiuc.org.urhnet] Re: questions for a net expert 12 Feb 97

"Cherish the excitement, the first time it happens is the best. After that, it's still kinda cool, but not like the first."
-- Shawn McPeek, on being recognized by another person with "Oh you're insert your name here!" 29 Jan 97

"I felt like a slut and it felt good"
"I am a slut, and this is my manifisto"
-- Anne, Keith 25 Jan 97

"Now, in british english slang, "Hey all of you salmon" means "sup mofo" so essentially what this phrase means is 'howdy doo?'"
-- KC Smith, explaining the meaning of "hei alle sammen" [uiuc.test] Re: Anyone know what the hell this means? 25 Jan 97

"When you get called socially unacceptable by Kaiser that says a lot."
-- Joe Gross [uiuc.test] Re: Mr. Krull 25 Jan 97

"What is Dream On without titties"
-- Mark Anderson 25 Jan 97

"If you've got a problem with that god-awful 2 second timer on the faucets just do the common sense approach....lean over and press your forehead on the faucet and hold pressure there until you have completed washing your hands..."
-- Jim Willkie, on the restroom faucets in Qualcomm's Building V 24 Jan 97

"[The U.S. Department of Justice doesn't understand that] to assume that the children surfing the Net aren't smarter than the congress people who made the law is bordering on insanity"
-- Brandon Long [uiuc.test] Re: Disclaimer 22 Jan 97

"Actually, i want one. it's no fun having an innie."
-- KC Smith, not talking about bellybuttons 22 Jan 96

"In some respects, I wished I was awake to partake in the initial sucking."
-- Jason Wessel, on the Garner-Gross Battle of .Test (coming soon to a web page near you) 20 Jan 97

"I want to irc while in traffic and having a chick going down on me"
-- Keith Garner 20 Jan 96

"The newspaper headline this morning read:
MILLIONS OF AOL CUSTOMERS THREATEN TO SUE!!!

It took only a moment to realize that the first AOL customer that couldn't get online threatened to sue. The rest of the customers just sent e-mail saying 'ME TOO!'"
-- KC Smith 19 Jan 96

"I've never been on anything larger than a 24-footer"
-- Jill Smith 18 Jan 96

"It's a saturday night, and I'm in my cubicle surrounded by a bunch of drunken farmboys from Illinois who haven't been more than two miles from our office in scenic downtown Mountain View in four months"
-- Jamie Zawinski, <jwz@jwz.org> 24 Sep 94, in the Netscape Dorm online diary. Quoted without permission, but it's a statement a) about quite a few of the folks that came out of the same place I did, and b) taken with the rest of that page, illustrates quite clearly that *I* really am working in the real fucking world. Qualcomm is not even CLOSE to this surreal, not in its most vivid dreams! These guys make Qualcomm look like fucking Arthur Andersen! shiver

"I was scared of ACM too. Scary place. Very scary people. Your life is in danger at all times... you never know when a power suply might blow up, or a stack of AIX manuals fall on you and kill you."
-- Jay Kreibich 17 Jan 97

"What was in that drink? I think my roommate's out to get me. I mean, she's always coming in late, spending a lot of time in her room, and on the modem. Maybe she's having net sex."
-- Brandon Long (at the time, Kristin's roommate) 14 Jan 97

"Yeah, I can't believe I wasted almost three years of my life in front of a workstation when I could have been mopping up frat barf and gutting avocados for minimum wage. Sounds like fun -- and talk about a resume builder!"
-- Alan Braverman, responding to a comment that a job at La Bamba's (popular campus Mexican restaurant) is more fun than working for NCSA 7 Jan 97

"No, move to Allen Hall and you can get a girl from Japan like me. :)"
"You're a girl from Japan? I never would have guessed."
-- Dan Howard, Jon Roma [uiuc.test] Re: B5 Marathon 3 Jan 97

"There's nothing worse than a programmer with an angry bunghole."
-- Jason Wessel, on why HOF III will NOT get as messy this spring as it did this fall. 22 Dec 96

"Whoa, did I just score?"
-- Dave Lemson 21 Dec 96

"I phrased it that way because I knew you and Linky were in the room. Between the two of you, I knew I'd get it from one side or the other."
-- Mark Roth to Jon Roma, digging himself half into a hole, then finishing the job. 21 Dec 96

"If I'm sitting here and I want to wave my arms like this, I don't have to type '/me'."
-- Joe Gross, illustrating the difference between Reality and IRC 20 Dec 96

"I'm always eating the big one."
"I guess it's better than biting the big one."
-- Joe Gross, Jon Roma 20 Dec 96

"Chateau de Boneyard: A really weird wine."
-- Jon Roma, once again nearly causing Debbie to spew whatever she was drinking all over. He has a habit of doing this... 20 Dec 96

"I was trying to get near Jason and the toy!"
-- Debbie Fligor, referring to the Qualcomm QCP-800 dual-mode digital cellphone I was carrying. 20 Dec 96

"You know it's a bad sign when you shrink-wrap your girlfriend"
-- Jason Weiss 19 Dec 96

"Watching pussy licking bores me."
-- Mark Notarus 11 Dec 96

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convicing the world he was a dating match"
-- Keith Garner, on Keyser Soze showing up in the Adaptive Dating Server 11 Dec 96

Server "I wanna be a bad ass admin...I need more dumb users"
"Want mine?"
-- Keith Garner, Joe Gross 11 Dec 96

"unrelated cunnilingus? no, i only have it with close relatives."
-- KC Smith 10 Dec 96

'Someone quote me on this: "FUCK!"'
-- Larry Schrof 10 Dec 96

"I'VE BEEN UP FOR SEVENTY-TWO FUCKING HOURS MINUS A THREE HOUR NAP SO YOU CAN JUST LICK MY SNATCH!"
"Wow. I never thought I'd hear KC demanding cunnilingus."
-- KC Smith, Anne Nowinski 10 Dec 96

"I inserted that into vixen manually this morning"
-- Joe Gross 9 Dec 96

"Money can't buy you love, but it can buy you an orgasm which is a damn good consolation prize."
-- Anne Nowinski 9 Dec 96

"kchen mail makes good birdcage lining, when printed on a suitably trashy printer."
-- Tori Lease 9 Dec 96

"PMS is becoming evolutionarily superior as it forces women to rip their opponents' heads off and use their entrails as network cabling."
-- Tori Lease 5 Dec 96

"i've never gone this far with a next!!!"
-- Brian White 18 Nov 96

"I dunno about you, but if someone started sucking me while I was asleep, I wouldn't be asleep for long. Folger's nothing; I can't imagine a more pleasant way to start the day!"
-- Mark Roth 3 Nov 96

"I'm bout to just say fuck it, I'm 2000 miles away, what can mom do? wooowoo! I'll bring the penis!"
-- Jill Smith, preparing to move to Silicon Valley, accompanied by her "good Christian cousin" for the drive out, pondering the merits of "any fucking stories" getting back to the folks watching at home 22 Oct 96

"The best security people convince you that you should shoot yourself instead and that it was your own idea to boot.
Damn I like security."
-- Paul Pomes [uiuc.general] Re: elm ate my mail / disk quota 15 Oct 96

"That made my day to know there are always going to be total losers on this planet that can make me look good no matter what."
-- Joe Gross, after receiving e-mail from someone in Japan asking if UIArchive carried child pornography 4 Oct 96

"You don't however, have a T3 sitting in front of you - you and 64,000 people have a T3 to share. You do the math."
-- Mike Gardner to Dan Howard 4 Oct 96

"Do not meddle in the affairs of 8-Balls, for you are crunchy and taste good in milk."
-- Mark Roth 2 Oct 96

"pico, the editor of LAS."
-- Keith Garner 2 Oct 96

"You archive orgasms? Myself, I thought it was far preferable to just regenerate them than to scavenge through months of 8 mm backups when you're feeling particularly hard up."
-- Jon Roma [uiuc.test] TEST ARCHIVE OVERHAUL 27 Sep 96

"perl cannot be taught. It is an art form unto itself."
-- Jason Hoos 25 Sep 96

"Uh, oh - giving me a second chance to nitpick a document. Hazardous."
-- Paul Williamson 18 Sep 96

"Home is where your workstation is"
-- Brian Swetland 19 Sep 96

"Yeah, fucking me kicks ass, more people should do it"
-- Keith Garner, after a spate of "FUCKING ARK IS COOL" shouts on #uiuc 17 Sep 96

"I swore it was evil before I was bored and impressionable. Kristin was quick to take advantage. Glad something's sucking something of mine."
-- Mark Roth, sadly not talking about sex. 17 Sep 96

"I try not to be depressed... it's depressing."
-- Joe Gross 15 Sep 96

"Meetings are where the minutes are kept and the hours are lost."
-- Jon Roma 27 Aug 96

"BrokenWindows is so fucked up that it could be poster child for going back to 24x80 terminals."
-- Jon Roma on Sun Microsystems' reprehensible OpenWindows X11R5 implementation 22 Aug 96

"A safe load is a FUN load. Or something. You wouldn't want to exchange packets with just *anyone*"
-- Jon Roma 22 Aug 96

"Hey, i wish i had some idea what I was doing here! I'm trying to tftp from ux2."
-- Joe Gross 22 Aug 96

"Exercise shot? Is that what keith has every morning between the shit and the shower?"
-- Jon Roma 18 Aug 96

"NCSA is more than an agency. NCSA is a way of getting a pipe up the ass."
-- Name withheld 14 Aug 96

"It's just that most of us are a product of the September that never ended."
-- Tim Skirvin, on why {self-appointed cops, clueless users} are so common on Usenet 6 Aug 96

"I think people should start learning how to actually study the Bible instead of wielding it like some authoritative bludgeon. You can quote me on that."
-- Jen Wilson 14 Aug 96

"two-bit? that's pretty short. Aren't they selling 64-bit ones lately?"
-- Dan Simms, in reference to today's flesh market 6 Aug 96

"It's all fun and games until someone gets their scrotum caught in the door."
-- Libor Michalek 1 Aug 96

"Working for a less Orwellian society."
-- Paul Pomes 30 Jul 96

"I can hardly come up with names for my own shit"
"You name your shit? Wow, I just flush and i'm done with it."
-- Keith Garner, Joe Gross 31 Jul 96

"I'm the first to admit that kchen is pretty good at math but that doesn't preclude that he's a buttmunch."
-- Joe Gross 30 Jul 96

"'Professor Wacko's Exothermic Exuberance'? That sounds like a product safety hazard deliberately marketed as such. :)"
-- Charley Kline 22 Jul 96

"i just went to ispell my minutes report and ispell suggested correcting xylan->dylan and cisco->disco"
"dylan and disco are about as far apart as Xylan and Cisco. but i won't make any quality judgements on any of them.. :)"
-- Joe Gross, Charley Kline 10 Jul 96

"I'd be honored if someone sent me a penis."
-- Keith Garner 26 Jun 96

"I'm not taking off on any runway. I don't move that fast."
-- Mark Roth 14 May 96

"The whole point of sex is intermingling juices. If you don't get sticky, you're not really doing it...might as well beat off."
-- Chris Burian, [uiuc.general] Re: Censorship petition from CARP... 10 May 96

"I figure if you're going to be celibate, you might as well make good beer, or in my case drink it."
-- Jon Roma, on a variety of beer brewed by Trappist Monks 26 Apr 96

"You gave Jay some!"
"I know."
-- Mark Roth, Jill Smith 26 Apr 96

"You really squirted all over yourself."
"I wasn't in there long enough."
-- Jon Roma, Mark Roth 26 Apr 96

"Happiness is a limp dick."
"Why do you think that's so significant, Mark?"
"'Cause I spurted all over myself."
"And no one had to rub my head to do it!"
-- Jon Roma, Jill Smith, Mark Roth, Keith Garner 26 Apr 96

"Life's too short to drink shitty beer."
-- Jon Roma & Charley Kline, on various occasions

"It's just one-liner after one-liner, I hope he knows shorthand."
-- Jon Roma, observing me scribble down the last several quotes, which came in rapid succession 26 Apr 96

"Molly's the only girl I know with a stick"
"Are you sure it just isn't a lot of makeup?"
"Molly's in drag!"
-- Mark Roth, Jon Roma, Jay Kreibich 26 Apr 96

"I never go down. Well... not quite."
-- Mark Roth 26 Apr 96

"Hey Jon, Happy Birthday! I hope you're fuckin' amused!"
-- A VERY plastered Keith Garner 26 Apr 96 (Keith ruined one of Joe's pots that night, he had so much...)

"It's not empty yet, I don't know WHAT's floating in it."
-- Jon Roma, examining his beer 26 Apr 96

"It really sucks that my sister's a girl."
-- Jen Giordano 26 Apr 96

"Do I ever have anything on my mind?"
-- Jill Smith 26 Apr 96

"So Libor shows up at my door here in California earlier tonight holding three issues of this cartoon sex nazi magazine and my Illinois diploma."
"How can you tell these two documents apart?"
--Alan Braverman, Jon Roma [uiuc.test] Re: Mr. Libor goes to Mountain View 20 Apr 96

"Do you know what happens when you run 'ps' on the cluster? It goes "uuuuungh"... it's like taking a big shit."
-- Joe Gross

"Are they playing strip volleyball? Every time I look over someone has less clothes on."
-- Keith Garner, noticing Amy take her pants off, then Alex...

"I never know if it's in or out."
-- Amy Ryan

"I've been following this thread and I'm either an idiot or you people wouldn't know satire if it walked up to you on the street bare naked, bit your ass, and then proceeded to put on a rainbow colored afro wig and started jumping up and down singing 'The time to get a clue is now!'"
-- Joel Jones [uiuc.general] Re: On the FAQ... 8 Apr 96

"$300,000? That's about right for inflation from the time of Christ."
-- Roger Boisjoly, former Morton-Thiokol engineer involved with the Space Shuttle booster project, on the promotion and pay raise given to M-T's vice president of engineering, at a speech given at UIUC, 14 Feb 96

"You don't have to be agreeable, you just have to be right."
-- Paul Pomes 26 Mar 96

"I've found most things on this group are either people whining (*definitely* the wrong group for that if you don't want a bad response :), or people bringing up discussions that have been beaten to death (for example, let's discuss the right for pedestrians to have an abortion while crossing green street)."
-- Josh Laff [uiuc.general] Re: [WILL-AM-FM-TV] Visit our Homepage! 4 Apr 96

"No bratwurst is worth $4, no matter how good it is. You may have had money to throw around on gold-plated bratwurst and designer drugs, but I sure don't."
-- Charley Kline [uiuc.general] Re: Zorba's vs. the Table 25 Mar 96

"what do you know about common sense, you come from the suburbs"
-- Jennifer R. Hurtuk <jhurtu1@uic.edu> 20 Mar 96
And let that be a lesson to you all... if your ZIP code doesn't start with 606, you can't help that you're a rich, overprivileged, snotty prick that's not worth the spit of some sorry little South-sider that works two jobs while attending Nursing school at UIC. Nobody knows, the troubles she's seen...

"I do want to sincerely apologize for posting something with actual content to this newsgroup. It won't happen again."
-- Jon Roma [uiuc.test] Re: UIDirect 6 Mar 96

"I used to be cool before I had to enter the Federal Witless Protection Program."
-- Pete Zurich 4 Mar 96

"I have shells idle on my linux machine longer than icarus's uptime."
-- Mike Maggio, on icarus.cc.uic.edu, UIC's Sun SparcServer 1000 student machine 2 Mar 96

"I'm sure my brother would be happy to hear about this. He's always had trouble with gas release."
-- KC Lemson (nee Smith) [uiuc.general] Re: Airbag theft 25 Feb 96

"yeah thanks regis, i like tried hard and stuff to think of some way to interpret that knight of st. pat shit as cool. but its like, you cant polish a turd."
-- An associate on #uiuc 26 Feb 96

"How do you make sure your balls don't fly off?!!"
-- Amy Ryan to Steve Weintz, 6 Feb 96

"now to study the config and learn all your evil secrets! mu ha ha h ah haaaaaaaaa!"
"Ha! You Imperialistic Dog! You shall never learn the truth!"
-- Charley Kline, Mark Monnin, CCSO network router jockeys 30 Jan 96

"Sorry to hear about being stuck in Boston. I was once stuck in The Allman Brothers for a week and that sucked royal."
-- Mike Gebis 29 Jan 96

"kerberos keeps my pants filled and makes me warm."
-- Jon Roma 28 Jan 96

"oh yeah, i've got to admire your stud sometime"
-- Joe Gross to Charley Kline 25 Jan 96

>* Fun-Boy doesn't understand indiana.
 north vernon's down south, south bend's up north, and french
lick ain't what it sounds like.

"tab a slot b-c or tab a-b slot c. same thing"
-- Joe Gross, in an IRC discussion on the merits (or lack thereof) of various sorts of menage a trois 15 Dec 95

02:00  But I never said that I was open-minded, did I?

"I'm drinking chocolate milk to make my penis bigger."
-- Joe Marton [uiuc.test] Re: Hey! 15 Dec 95

"I think you got the Klingons."
"I would hope so, my butt is sore from all the wiping. I think I put a whole tree in the toilet this time."
-- Marguerite Plesko, Keith Garner [uiuc.general] Re: Rote repetition UIUC "authority" sabatoging finals at other schools 13 Dec 95

"If you don't confess the heinous sin of censorship, I will say naughty words at you!"
-- Tim Skirvin 9 Dec 95

"If you can't su, then God didn't mean you to be working on Friday!"
-- Brian Swetland 8 Dec 95

"I'm fucking antisocial, LEAVE ME ALONE!"
-- Brian Swetland 8 Dec 95

"Hail to the sun god! He sure is a fun god! Hail! Hail! Hail! Ra! Ra! Ra!"
-- Charley Kline [uiuc.test] Re: Tin sux 7 Dec 95

"Ok, so the vaseline makes it easier to get it out when it gets harder..."
-- Jill Smith 5 Dec 95

misterc@ux7.cso.uiuc.edu (Christopher Clayton) writes:

>       Don't forget "How do I un-tar a file in Unix?" !!!

You misspelled

        HOW DO I UN-TAR A FILE IN UNIX!!!!!!!!!1

"Take whatever comes to you, and don't struggle"
"The Dow of Sex!"
-- Eugene Khutoryansky (summarizing the Dow index), Kumar Venkateswar (Applying the concept to something more practical) 5 Dec 95

"I think I could understand moshing with myself."
-- Greg Kaiser 9 Nov 95

"I'm sorry, have I missed something in this discussion besides name-dropping and dick-swinging? Oh, pardon me."
-- Charley Kline [uiuc.general] Re: Sexual assault: Blown way out of proportion 4 Nov 95

"Look... Itty-bitty hole, great big hole."
-- Jill Smith, giving Jeff Absher a REALLY dirty look 4 Nov 95

"Charley, you're mutilating my penis!"
-- Jill Smith

"She's pregnant! She didn't tell me!"
-- Steve Mastandrea

"So what's the deal with this head... when people drink beer, they want head."
-- Dan Simms

"Where do they get that head?"
"They ask nicely."
-- Dan Simms, Ben Gross

"We could be him... I could get a garage!"
-- Amy Ryan on Steve Wozniak

"Brian, you C++ Nazi!"
"I hate C++ Nazis!"
-- Jason Lindquist, Dave Morgan

"On the Net, no one knows you're a Nazi"
-- Dave Morgan

kchen@prairienet.org (Ken Chen) writes:

>Jason Lindquist, you dumb-ass, you didn't tell us what happens when
>somebody finds the "fox".  What happens then?  Do you kill the guy?

>I want to play foxhunt too; can I join your geek club?

"Look, I can NFS my load!"
-- Jason Wessel, while setting up his XTerminal 19 Oct 95

"You have to make a deposit to fuck now? Sheesh. 'I'm sorry, dear. I didn't get off, so you don't get your deposit back."
"Penalty for early withdrawal."
-- Jon Roma, Jason Wessel 16 Oct 95

"Just because people might abuse something isn't a reason not to offer it as a service."
"Why not, we do it with modems?"
-- Joe Gross, Charley Kline, discussing the idea of adding a PGP public key field to the ph database 9 Oct 95

"I don't think any normal user has a shell of /bin/sh....what a wonderfully perverse thought."
-- Reece Joyner 3 Oct 95

"kthwap!"
"kthwap? Do you have to kinit first to do that? It's like, a secure *thwap*, right?"
"only at knight."
-- Eric Adams, J. Lindquist on Kerberized *thwap*s 29 Sep 95

"Persistent complaining is sometimes rewarded. I feel so warm and fuzzy."
-- Ken Fortenberry 27 Sep 95

"I learned by watching that when Paul says 'Try the O'Reilly book on sendmail', you may as well take it as 'Go screw yourself.'"
-- David Lemson 15 Sep 95

"I'm really upset about my web page... Keith's butt is down."
-- Amy Ryan 8 Sept 95

Jay: "What color are your eyes?"
Jill: "When I'm in a good mood they are bright blue, but when I'm in a bad mood they are gray."
Jon: "What about when you are in bliss?"
Jill: "Then they are closed..."
-- Jay Kreibich, Jill Smith, Jon Roma at the New, Improved, Lemon-Scented H0U53 OF FUCK!!1!1 Labor Day party 4 Sep 95

"He tried to cop-a-feel! You have to try really hard to cop-a-feel on me... it's hard to get your hands on anything!"
-- Amy Ryan at Mabel's 3 Sept 95

"I'm sure he could... it's like blood groups, universal donors and universal receivers."
-- Charley Kline, 22 Aug 95, about someone who... gets around a lot.

"I can't do that with all the classes I've taken!"
"But classes have prerequisites."
"So do men from what I hear."
-- Charley Kline, Jon Roma 22 Aug 95

"It works. It works very nicely. Very nice machines. It isn't UNIX, it is IBM's very own "Advance Interactive eXecution environment". SMIT happens."
-- Jay Kreibich on IBM RS/6000s 27 Jul 95

"Don't worry... Jason sometimes forgets that most people don't make staying on-line a semi-permanent recreational sport. :)"
-- Josh Laff in [cso.problems] Phone Problems, referring to me 26 Jul 95

"It's 14-year-old smoker night at C.O.'s! Wait, that's EVERY night."
-- Matt Ivaliotes 25 Jul 95 on the local bar scene

"Alex? Are you MUDding? Are you MUDding? You're fired!"
-- Charley Kline 21 Jul 95

"They have an object oriented cobol now. sort of like C++ is to C. It's called ADD 1 TO COBOL."
-- Charley Kline 21 Jul 95

"It's a propeller-head feature that pratically no one has ever understood on any [...] platform. But then, Mac users tend to be much more technical than UNIX users, so I'm sure it will be just great on the Mac."
-- Steve Dorner <sdorner@qualcomm.com> on the Apple Macintosh's Balloon Help system

"So I get this ant and roach spray... and so I hit this hornet with it, and I dunno, it went into conniption. But then I was able to finally smash it."
-- Alex Parga 19 Jul 95

<Magneto> VUE = Virtually Useless Environment
-- Reece Joyner 9 Jun 95

"i don't understand the silly recursive configures"
"paul tells me that they're black magic. and if HE thinks they're black magic, they are."
"krb5 is a huge compilation of individual packages makes X look simple"
-- Joe Gross, Jon Roma on Kerberos 5 14 Jul 95

"i bruised my thumb bad last night slapping so hard"
-- Brian White 6 Jul 95

"I want it now too"
-- Charley Kline 5 Jul 95
(Okay, so he wanted money... sue me.)

"I notice yours is less stiff than mine."
-- Jon Roma, comparing Leatherman tools with Jay Kreibich 4 Jul 95

"Small, short guys move around and score a lot."
"Yeah, except I have poor stick handling."
-- Jason Weiss, Alex Parga (...on roller hockey) 3 Jul 95

"we aren't doing SHIT to uxa except keep it on life support."
-- Jon Roma, on the condemned, ailing upperclass/grad mainframe 2 Jul 95

"Didn't Ken Chen kill Inigo Montoya's father?"
-- Charley Kline 29 Jun 95

"vortex is dead...again..."
"I know what that machine's problem is ... it lives in too close proximity to several Suns."
-- Reece Joyner, Jon Roma, on the central mailserver of the CCSO student cluster (or "clusterfuck", depending on your viewpoint.) 28 Jun 95

"Kenny, what you don't know about people would fill volumes. The depth of your ignorance of my personal life is fortunately complete. Of course this last comment has nothing to do with UPD or CRD and everything to do with ad hominem attacks. Forget your lithium today?"
-- Paul Pomes in [uiuc.general] Non-Partisan Public Forum for Urbana Citizens 26 Jun 95

"Lake County (Illinois) is the linchpin to the entire North American economy. It goes and the entire Western world goes."
-- Jon Roma 25 Jun 95

"If you want to, punch more holes on me!"
-- Eddie Wu 23 Jun 95

"Of course, I have carpal tunnel already also..."
"That's okay, i have AIDS"
"Can you get that if you don't write protect your penis?"
-- Mike Maggio, Paul Swanson 22 Jun 95 No, Paul doesn't have AIDS, he was joking.

"religion sucks. It's the leading cause of death."
"Well...at least the leading cause of wars."
-- Brian White, Alex Feygin in [uiuc.test] Alex! You're famous! 17-18 Jun 95

"I mean... we all have a few choice pictures hidden away in one account or another, but 4GB! That's like 25000 pictures! What the hell do you do with them all? Shit! You must be able to get yourself off for *weeks* and never look at the same picture..."
-- Jay Kreibich, [uiuc.test] Alex! You're famous!, on someone's 4GB collection of pornography 18 Jun 95

"Now if Ministry lyrics sexually arouse you, you are one sick fuck."
-- Alex Feygin, [uiuc.test] Alex! You're famous! 18 Jun 95

"'SunSoft service people' is an oxymoron."
"It's also a tounge-twister and a neat alliteration. :)"
-- Joe Gross, Josh Laff [uiuc.general] CCSO's new machines 16 Jun 95

* cvk found the notes he took at the meeting where the MX record was proposed.
<cvk> wed. march 18 1987.
-- Charley Kline on #uiuc 18 Jun 1995

"Ha! You think it's bad now?!!"
-- XEmacs developer Chuck Thompson, when told XEmacs 19.11 taking too much memory for a 16-meg Sun Sparc 2 June 1995

"Um, the concept of doing ANYTHING underneath Stephen Wolfram makes me retch."
-- Jon Roma 18 Jun 95

"That's not THAT old... and OLD ham is one of these 90-year old guys who can't send on a straight key anymore because his Parkinson's is so bad."
-- Charley Kline 16 Jun 95

"Alex, breathe in, breathe out... wax on, wax off... paint the fence..."
"Jason, stop waxing off"
-- J. Lindquist, Charley Kline 15 Jun 95, near an out-of-breath Alex Parga

"I can go slowly with short strokes"
-- Charley Kline 15 Jun 95

"I don't think I want to be that big!"
-- Matt Ivaliotes 15 Jun 95

"Well, I'm sitting next to you and I'm not sniffing you!"
-- Jon Roma 15 Jun 95

<Euge> so do we communicate telepathically here?
-- euge@grove.ufl.edu on #uiuc 11 Jun 95

<eris5> i don't have his phone number
<eris5> i don't WANT his phone number
-- Kristin Buxton 9 Jun 95, in reference to her self-communicative boss at Lawrence Livermore Labs, late to drive her to the airport.

It's really sad that you can compute you time card using `last`
-- Joe Gross 9 Jun 95

"At first I thought the DNS was complex and wonderful, then I discovered sendmail. That was complex and wonderful too, but soon it wasn't enough. Now I'm not happy unless every library function takes at least ten arguments. They must mix pass by value, by reference, and have deceiving prototypes or no prototypes at all. In other words, the Kerberos 5 API!

    if ((retval = krb5_recvauth(
                (krb5_pointer) &client_server_info.client_socket,
                KQI_VERSION,
                client_server_info.server,
                &client_server_info.client_addr,
                0,
                kqi_keyproc,
                (krb5_pointer) &kqi_key,
                0,
                0,
                &send_seqno,
                &client_server_info.client,
                &client_creds,
                &client_auth_data
                ))) {
        DoReply(LR_INTERNAL, "DoKrbLogin:krb5_recvauth(): %s.",
            error_message(retval));
        IssueMessage(LOG_ERR, "DoKrbLogin:krb5_recvauth(): %s.",
            error_message(retval));
        return;
    }

(Not a quote , but worthy of mention, anyways...)
-- Charley Kline 7 Jun 95

"Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if we come out of the tunnel in the dark we will at least get some sleep and the light will [be] there soon."
-- Jason Wessel 4 May 95

"I usually don't trim it. I usually just whack it off."
-- Charley Kline 8 May 95 Okay, so he was talking about his moustache...

"SMIT happens"
-- Joe Gross 7 May 95

While Charley was speaking to Jill...
cvk: "Yes, I berate you"
Drunk: "You debased her?"
cvk: "No, no, no... I berate her."
Drunk: "Oh, okay. Well, debasing her... that would be bad."
-- Charley Kline and an anonymous drunk at Murphy's late on 3 May 95

<doodoo> You are all fucks
<Fun-Boy> yes, but we're all GOOD fucks.
-- seen on #uiuc 5 May 95

"ops == love"
-- Rachel Zemser, the scourge of #uiuc

"Anne, that is NOT the proper way to deliver spit!"
-- Charley Kline 5 May 95

"Well, most psychotic Energizer bunnies I know are homicidal"
-- Kumar Veknateswar 3 May 95

"Cheap parents and I'm scarred for life..."
-- Brian Swetland, comparing the going rates for one's parents to pay people to be one's friend 1 May 95

"Oh no! Eris is logged in as root!"
-- Joel Jones, on the subject of Joe Gross letting his "eris" account have su privileges 1 May 95

"Who needs mass media? I have the Internet."
-- Dan Sachs 1 May 95

"What is he, a human vacuum cleaner????"
-- Amy Ryan 1 May 95

"The whole world's a giant vacuum cleaner? What is it with freshmen?"
-- Amy Ryan 1 May 95

"Some people like having the shit sucked out of it."
-- Kristin Buxton 1 May 95

"If you're going to flirt with one, don't let him see the hickie the other one gave you."
-- Amy Ryan 1 May 95

sex: illegal option -- r
so what is this -r option we're all hearing about. if it's illegal
+it must be FUN
-- IRC channel #uiuc 29 Apr 95

"You should be careful when you open your mouth in the office. You never know what might end up in it."
-- Dan Simms (To Jill Smith) 29 Apr 95

"I like some of my windows to be sticky."
-- Jason Lindquist 29 Apr 95

"It's HUGE"
-- J. Lindquist, commenting on the maximized xeyes he was running, 29 Apr 95

"I think that's when I got off, when Ivaliotes got on."
-- Jill Smith 29 Apr 95

"Okay, so I'm naive about plants"
-- Jill Smith, being felt up by a plant 29 Apr 95

"Why are we all congregating around Jon [Roma]? Does he smell nice?"
-- Joe Gross 25-Apr-95

"I don't care... I am NOT going to a motel with Ari!"
-- Brian Swetland 25-Apr-95

"A cynic is an optimist who's been hurt too many times."
"And an optimist is someone that's been hurt too many times and is too STUPID to notice."
-- J. Lindquist, R. Venkateswar 24-Apr-95

"Come on over to ACM... we need to breed!"
-- Jason Weiss, in an open invitation to females in the building next door. 18 Apr 95

"May LIBOR have mercy on your souls. Or something."
-- Brian Swetland [uiuc.test] IDENTIFY THOSE PEOPLE 18 Apr 95

"I'm not old enough to be sexy..."
-- Brian White 18 Apr 95 "... as a bald guy"

"What I don't understand is why we keep naming our machines after things that suck."
-- Jon Roma, CCSO systems administrator, on vortex.cso.uiuc.edu, vixen.cso, cyclone.cso (then a CNAME for ux5.cso, later a standalone machine)... 17 Apr 95

"I don't have to talk to people when I telnet in."
-- Joe Gross, on systems administration in-person 17 Apr 95

"* cvk now has the blood of Christ in his dock."
-- Charley Kline, after spilling wine into his Duo Dock 10 Apr 95

"Bicyclists are inconsiderate jerks. Drivers are as well. You, on the other hand, are merely dumb."
-- Jeff Rients to Ayleen Crotty, [uiuc.general] Critical Mass BIKE RIDE 12 Apr 95

"just because there are worse things then anal rape, dosn't make it a good thing"
-- Libor Michalek, on running UNIX on supercomputers 11 Apr 95

"Goldfish are the dregs of fishdom! They were bred to be food. Those other fish... using them for food is like running out of slaves and using princes and princesses to feed to the lions!"
-- Joe Gross 8 Apr 95

"Kumar, a 5 D-cell Maglite is not a flashlight, it's a nightstick with a lightbulb on the end of it!"
"No, it's a nightstick with a car headlight on the end."
-- J. Lindquist, Kumar Venkateswar 9 Apr 95

"cvk, he has the power to COMPLETELY bunghole the net... he is not human.. he does not feel pain... he CAN'T be REASONED with!"
-- Pete Zurich, about Charley Kline 9 Apr 95

" as the up and coming store in Chambana, one question. Are they 'Improved for Netscape'???"
-- Jon Roma, on the new Meijer store in Champaign-Urbana 6 Apr 95

"'Tae Kwon Do' is Korean for 'Sex, Beer, UNIX'"
-- Jon Roma 6 Apr 95

"My bus is riding one way to Iowa, and I want a kerberos ticket to Purdue."
-- Jason Wessel 31 Mar 95

"I take it you have never actually tried to light a whiteboard on fire. People are MUCH easier to ignite."
-- Jay Kreibich, [uiuc.general] Where to study at the U of I 1 Apr 95

"These things are made of porcelain-ceramic. They will not burn! You can throw nasty hydrochloric acid on them, and it just washes off!"
-- Jay Kreibich, commenting on the above quote 3 Apr 95

"The time and energy spent on [garbage] can-tipping could be better spent driving their 4x4's through the front plate glass windows of municipal buildings."
-- Chris Burian, [uiuc.general] parking "nazis" 1 Apr 95

"I can't believe that I'm writing fucking PASCAL when it's the grand opening of the new Meijer store today."
-- Mike Gebis 4 Apr 95

"You might think i'm a clueless caveman... but what is Doom?"
-- Jason Hsu, at an ACM General Meeting on Parallax's "Descent", 9 Mar 95

"Software religious wars a boring unless its face to face with weapons."
-- Libor Michalek 30 Mar 95

# Auto-bounce email from selected losers with the message: "Mail from <address>
# is auto-bounced because <reason>".  Format is "address<tab>reason", e.g.,
# kfool@firefly.prairienet.org  you're a bottom feeding jackal.
# The database is built from the source file with the command
#       makemap btree losers < losers
Klosers btree -o /var/apps/mail/losers

"AIX stands for 'it definately Aint unIX'"
-- Steve Woodruff 29 Mar 95

"Joe, can I lick your lollipop?"
-- Jill Smith 28 Mar 95

"Our p-nis will be up all the time!"
-- Joe Gross on "portable" NIS 28 Mar 95

<halfman> i can't /fuck anymore!
<Fun-Boy> halfman: don't be sad. i was never much good at /fuck either.
<Fun-Boy> well, fucking is a good skill to have.
-- Seen on #uiuc 23 Mar 95

"What single word typifies both 'communication' and 'service' better than the word 'intercourse'?"
-- Jon Roma 6 Mar 95

"I prefer standoff weapons that keep the enemy out of effective range. Cruise missiles against the IRS would be a good example. But I digress."
-- Paul Pomes 7 Mar 95

"Guns don't kill people..."
"People with bowling balls kill people!"
-- Jeff Absher, Joe Gross 9 Mar 95

"Wow. They've finally ported Quicken to the Newton. Now I can buy one."
-- Jay Kreibich 6 Mar 95

"I can do women better than you can!"
-- Amy Ryan, speaking to Tom Horwedel [Purdue Juggernauts, 1995 Engineering Open House Design Contest winner] 4 Mar 95

"I'm definitely NOT sleeping with Wessel!"
-- Jason Hoos 4 Mar 95

"I am now convinced that there is a problem within the phone switch, and we'll begin beating up on Ameritech about this."
-- Charley Kline 4 Mar 95
[I enjoy the idea of ANYBODY beating up on Ameritech.]

"Where's the bathroom?"
"Why, what do you want to do?"
-- Jonathan Stark, Joe Gross 4 Mar 95

"[Star Trek:] Voyager... oh, white trash in space."
-- Charley Kline 1 Mar 95

"URHNet: The world's single most expensive firewall."
-- Jason Lindquist 12 Feb 95

"Be careful, you will not be able to finish peeing unless someone else comes along and vees on it."
-- Charley Kline, re desecrating the Evil Engineering Campus Sculpture 22 Feb 95

"How does an obvious raisin-sack such as yourself actually make enough of a living to maintain a connection to the net?"
-- Pete Zurich, to Ken Chen on cso.general 18 Feb 95

"In theory there is no difference between practice and theory, but in practice there is."
-- Dave Jeske 21 Feb 95

"We [Alex and I] weren't going to do anything to each other, so we just stared at each other and whimpered."
-- Jill Smith 7 Feb 95

"There is no need for you to refer me to your lame home page."
-- Ken Chen, [cso.problems] Re: ux4 mail 21 Jan 95

In the uiuc.general thread "Re: 2 questions":

"In article <3h39e0$5ss@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>, Ken Chen wrote:
> Friends don't let friends go to Illinois."

"The new version of Listserv even has a spam-detector. [...] Software like that is worth money!"
-- Charley Kline 30 Jan 95

".22's are suprisingly good at being lethal head wounds, a .22 isn't powerful enough to exit on the other side of your skull and will bounce back, lather, rinse and repeat as necessary."
-- Jason Heimbaugh, [uiuc.general] Re: Charles Bridges and Suicide 26 Jan 95

"It never happens when I'm alone!"
-- Bob Mihlfried Spring 1993

"For lack of a better phrase, I can't get it up."
-- Jason Hoos 24 Jan 95

"I'll do Garcia's if you really want to, but I want something I can hold in my hand."
-- Joe Gross 25 Jan 95

"TV is a sewer ... a time sink. i prefer to devote my time to something intellectual like irc."
-- Jon Roma 28 Jan 95

"*scream* That's my house!"
-- Joe Gross, calling to investigate renting a house, realizing just what house the ad was for. 25 Jan 95

"I've upped my standards, now up yours."
-- Jason R. Heimbaugh

"Psychotic Energizer Bunnies suck."
-- Charley Kline 24 Jan 95

"Amazing what a couple hours of sleep, fresh coffee and a kick in the head will do for one"
-- Sandy Seehusen 8 Feb 95

"If you'll do all the homework, I'll give you all the sex you want!"
-- Paul Swanson to Kristin Buxton, early January 1995

"Is Amy mad at you for pulling out?"
"Well, it was Amy that who initiated it."
-- Micki Carl, Eric Adams, in mid-December '94

"ftp really shouldn't be the mailreader of choice."
-- Joe Gross, 26 Sep 94, in re the U of I CS department's Sparc lab

"I'm not from here. I'm from Cleveland. We don't have any yellow curbs in Cleveland."
-- Nathan Wessel

"Hi, I'm jwessel@ux1!"
-- Jason Wessel, jwessel@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu to Kristin Buxton 29 Oct 93

WB: "I need a picture of you. I don't think I have any pictures of you."
JH: "I don't think I have any pictures of me, either. At least, not any decent ones."
WB: "What, like I want any naked pictures?"
EH: "Hmmm...."
JH: "Is that a suggestion?"
JL: "No, a request."
EH: "Or an invitation."
-- Wendy Baird, Jason Hoos, Eric Horler, and myself. 1 Jan 95

"I really want to see Hoos naked."
-- Wendy Baird 11 Jan 95. She claims she meant "drunk". :-)

"You know, this sounds an awful lot similar to if you were breaking up with a girlfriend."
-- Steve Mastandrea 11 Jan 95
I was... she just wasn't mine.

"Jason, you're the first person I've known that's broken up with someone before actually going out with anyone."
-- Kristin Buxton 11 Jan 95

"Can I be in the fort? Please, Libor? I'll sleep with you!"
-- A. Ryan, 5 Dec 94

"What do the bars stand for?"
"Number of times he's had sex. See--one, two bars. It means he's had sex twice."
-- Jay Kreibich, Amy Ryan, trying to figure out the meaning of the two bars on the Star Trek communicator badge I was wearing 16 Dec 94

"Naw, I just use "cat | cc" and get it right the first time."
-- UI CCSO's Paul Pomes, on UNIX editors 14 Dec 94

"He just scratches his nose! He doesn't even go for the gold!"
-- Joel Jones, after viewing the "A Man With An Itch" QuickTime movie (Starring Dave Lemson) 7 Dec 94

"Milt! Whats with all the preasure? I can't perform on demand, I'm not some piece of meat, I'm a caring, sensitive human being."
-- LIBOR, former sperm, on uiuc.test 3 Dec 94

"Kristin... you are one of us now... so say goodbye to your life as you know it (and your 90210 lunchbox) and start dreaming in HTML."
-- Alan Braverman, on uiuc.test 9 Dec 94

"This thing can bite me."
-- Dave Lemson, on uiuc.test 7 Dec 94

"Even if they didn't entice women, they would entice me."
-- Jason Wessel, 2 Nov 94

"No, it's 'Wolfenstain'!"
"Wait, isn't that what Brian White's girlfriends get?
-- Jason Hoos and Me, 10 Dec 94, while arguing over the correct pronunciation of "Wolfenstein"

"You're too short to live."
-- Paul Pomes to Amy Ryan, 1 Dec 94

"Let's go acquire Micki..."
-- Me

"If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Chalk never runs out of ink."
-- S. Kaplan, 1 Dec 94

"Ian [Cardenas] could be replaced by a well-thought out cron job."
-- Joe Gross, 2 Dec 94

"and then i could've taken vixen home so she could go down on ME every friday afternoon at 5."
-- Jon Roma

"Are you trying to *suppress* trees?"
-- Steve Dorner, 10 Nov 94

"It's okay... I kissed [Jason] Wessel. Of course, I was a girl at the time."
-- Alex Parga, 2 Nov 94

"I already screwed your computer. I put one in."
-- Bruce Burch

"Please don't break her!"
"Why, is it something you haven't managed to do yet?"
-- Joe Gross, Jason Hoos 28 Oct 94, after Jason Weiss... lifted Jill

"Sometimes when I think about this, my brain just hides in a corner of my head and gibbers"
-- Prof. Simon Kaplan, 27 Oct 94, on information not being able to travel freely should the NSFNet really go away

"What happens when Jesse Helms hears this? The mind crawls to a different corner of the brain and gibbers!"
-- Simon Kaplan, same day, on statistics that estimate research usage of the Internet at 5%, and all the rest is "pornography and crud."

"Let's all mumble one at a time."
-- SK, 20 Oct 94

"If you can't hear me, start throbbing and I'll turn around"
-- SK, 20 Oct 94

"Aaaah! Don't scare me like that! It absolutely will be available here! I'll personally unpack the ISDN routers we have in stock and weld a satanic sculpture on the north Quad if something stops the show at this point! I'll even sign autographs in front of said sculpture. I've put too much of myself into this."
-- Charley Kline, on whether ISDN --> AUI routing will be provided to private residences (as opposed to just 10-Base-T)

'<cvk> irc has, uh, become, uh. "useful."'
-- He who once referred to IRC as "crap"... Okay, so he was talking about the UNIX client... 20 Oct 94

Charley Kline: 3>same old uiuc                               28 Oct 1994 17:30
braleys@scorpion.ag.uiuc.edu () writes:
> Please get somebody to review your posts and help you out with your grammar.
> I am assuming here that you are a non-native English speaker.  Getting
> someone to help out will spare you many flames making fun of your posts.

Oh no. Not again.


/cvk

"I'll get lost now."
-- 15:26 --uiuc.general-- 12 MORE+next --All--

Erik Pennebaker : 6>same old uiuc                            28 Oct 1994 19:26
mplesko@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (plesko marguerite) writes:

>Erik, you are providing a wealth of material for detailed ridicule of your
>prose.  "Don't bite unless you can handle getting bit" has been declared
          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>as the rules of engagement as of now.      

Well, this is pretty rude but the temptation is just to great.  I do this in
the name of all students who consider themselves "pretty good" at a lot of 
things and don't appreciate a stereotype being made against them.

Bite me.

-Erik

-- 15:40 Mail --uiuc.general-- 7 MORE+next --All--

"have I honestly not said a single thing worth quoting?"
-- Kristin Buxton

"I'm not dating any more CCSO types for a while!"
"Quick, Alex... Is there anyone at CCSO that will hire me?!!!"
K. Buxton, J. Lindquist, 1 Nov 94

"[The three backups to the campus Internet feed] will be going soon so as a campus we will be up and limping momentarily."
-- CCSO's Ed Krol, 28 Oct 94

"I think that is a FINE way to finish ANY statement..."
-- Jon Roma, CCSO sysadmin, in re the word "come" used as a verb... You figure out what context it was meant in...

"I think I'll go buy a Skinny Puppy T-shirt so I can be more open-minded and pissed off."
-- Charley Kline, on stereotypes 13 Oct 94 [uiuc.general] Not in a fraternity?

"Don't miss two homeworks. If you miss two, you will fail. We've done it to people before. We don't care. We're heartless bastards."
-- CS 225 Professor Simon Kaplan, Thu 25 Aug 94

"I was guarding the pizza. But I got bored, and I realized I had to... beta test it!"
-- Jay Kreibich

"C++ is the DOS of programming languages."
-- Simon Kaplan, Thu 8 Sep 94

"C++ is dog shit!"
-- SK, CS 225 spring '94

"Hockey is almost better than sex. And you can do it for much longer. You can do lots of people at once, and nobody thinks that you're weird, except for my wife."
-- Simon Kaplan, Sat 24 Sep 94

"The social circumstances appropriate for grenades just don't occur that often."
"For shame, Paul. Congress meets daily."
-- Paul Pomes, Steve Dorner (In a thread on uiuc.general in early 1993.)

"...and crushingly logical arguments like "I think this policy really SUCKS are not like [sic] to carry much weight with ANYONE, by the way"
-- Charley Kline, 21 Sep 94, [uiuc.general] Re: ANNOUNCEMENT: Faculty/staff modem pool available

"I feel like I want to fall over." <whump>
-- Jason Wessel, 21 Sep 94

"I'm a masochistic chameleon"
-- Jason Wessel, 22 Sep 94

"Try mugging one sometime; there's a good chance you'll find that they are carrying a LOT more cash than you are."
-- Steve Dorner, in re con-artist Campustown "bums", uiuc.general 23 Sep 94

"You are so much like your grandfather. You are such an arrogant bastard!"
-- Nalini Venkateswar

"[Anger] will help keep you warm at night, and give you the strength needed to get on with your life, and compel you to act when you have the opportunity to ruin somebody else's."
-- Ken Chen <kchen@uiuc.edu>
Actually, it's now <kchen@prairienet.org>. The other address now points to nobody@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu. This was Paul's way of ensuring nobody EVER get's Ken's ph alias again here at the University. *shrug*

"All the beds in Hendrick House have a capacity of one person. The bed's owner does not count."
-- Jason C. Hoos

"If my mom heard this I'd be a eunuch."
-- Aaron Deno

"Are you looking at Larry Smarr?" "I'm looking at the NCSA Home Page. What's wrong with that?" "It's a sin to look at Larry Smarr." -- Somebody in the ACM office (I thought it was Chris Trimble, but he doesn't remember saying it, so maybe it was Jeremiah...) a week or so ago, talking to me.

"Guys... If guys would just all go away there wouldn't be a problem."
-- Amy Ryan

"Hi. I masturbate frequently in the corner"
-- Micki Carl

"I have enough trouble coping with my own neuroses. What makes you think I have time to cope with someone else's?"
-- Me, 6 Sep 94, 2:30 PM

"I'll get lost now."
-- Charley Kline

-- Steve Dorner, in Eudora for Macintosh

"I think I need to put a flow restrictor on the thing."
"Why, did her mouth overflow?"
"*bing!*" (Face turns bright red)
-- Jason Hoos, Steve Mastandrea