"If masturbating was s'posed to be cute, pink bunnies would do it in meadows and they'd ejaculate rainbows and flower petals."
-- Aubrey, Something Positive, 12 Jan 2004

"There's no such thing as 'one, true way'; the only answers worth having are the ones you find for yourself; leave the world better than you found it. Love, freedom, and the chance to do some good -- they're the things worth living and dying for, and if you aren't willing to die for the things worth living for, you might as well turn in your membership in the human race."
-- Mercedes Lackey, Burning Water

"There is little evidence that zero tolerance produces safety. Instead, it strips away the safeguards of a peaceful society: compassion, due process, good will, presumption of innocence, tolerance, discretion, humor ... It victimizes the most vulnerable citizens: children."
-- Wendy McElroy for Fox News, 25 Nov 2003

"There you are, folks. We officially now live in The Matrix."
-- Jon Stewart on Jay Leno introducing Arnold as the next CA governor 8 Oct 2003

A man falls down a hole and can't get out.

A doctor walks by and the man shouts, "Hey! I'm stuck down here. Can you help me?" The doctor writes out a prescription, tosses it down and walks away.

A little later a priest walks by. The man shouts up again, "Help! I'm down here and can't get out." The priest says a prayer and walks off.

Later still a friend walks by. The man shouts, "Hey, Joe! I'm down in this hole and can't get out." The friend jumps down into the hole.

The man says, "Why did you do a stupid thing like that? Now we are both stuck down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been here before and I know the way out."

"Smart people who love you are gonna have your back."
-- Abby Bartlet (Stockard Channing), The West Wing, "Election Night" 6 Nov 2002

"We have a rule in my house: If it can't make a sandwich and wipe its own ass, it can't live in my house."
-- Samuel L. Jackson on pets, guesting on The Tonight Show 1 Aug 2003

"I bukkake for justice!"
-- Jason, Something Positive 6 Jun 2003

"Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice and are preparing to knock on the door of heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?"
"What?"
"Get in the game."
-- Natalie (Sabrina Lloyd,) Dan (Josh Charles,) Sports Night, "The Quality of Mercy at 29K" 1 Dec 1998

"She created you, so you always owe her and can never really repay the debt. Being born is like asking Don Corleone for a favor."
-- Dennis Miller on mothers 25 Apr 1997

"Unfortunately, the vast majority of our public figures seem incapable of telling the difference between white lies, gray lies, and lies so black they could suck the light from Las Vegas and still have enough black left over to provide a lifetime supply of turtlenecks to the Yale English department"
-- Dennis Miller 28 Feb 1997

"LA is to dishonesty what Wisconsin is to cheese."
-- Dennis Miller 28 Feb 1997

"The favor of inclusion deserves the courtesy of assimilation. Make the effort. It's poor party manners to come to live in this country, and then have a hissy fit because the parking signs aren't posted in Hmong."
-- Dennis Miller 8 Mar 1996

"No, I know I'm alone on this. I know the vast majority of people consider Jerry Falwell a spiritual pillar of great and gentle wisdom. I know that most people consider him a scholarly and tolerant man who would never judge others harshly just because they were different. I know that most people find his calm leadership to be a gentle, soothing beacon at a time of great social chaos. His guidance, for instance, on the great purple Teletubby matter was fraught with the kind of theological sophistication that only Jerry Falwell and a cafeteria full of sixth graders could devise. I know I'm going way out on a limb, but I think Jerry Falwell's a badass!

Who did I just offend? I'm eager to talk to them."
-- Casey McCall (Peter Krause), Sports Night, "Ten Wickets" 13 Apr 1999

"Why bother? If you're gay, you already have a much better way of bonding with another man than the chug-a-lug. Fraternities are for fucking assholes, not for fucking assholes!"
-- Bill Maher's New Rule forbidding gay fraternities 14 Mar 2003

"I agree with you, the 72 virgins, I think that probably sounds better than it is. Seven or eight virgins, this is probably a good idea. You get around ten virgins in, I'm thinking you're gonna want a pro. Now, I like the befuddled thing up front as much as the next guy, but somewhere during the evening, I want a finger jammed up my ass!"
-- Dennis Miller 14 Mar 2003

"The shoe bomber's so ugly he's not gonna get fucked in jail!"
-- Dennis Miller 14 Mar 2003

"New rule: John Ashcroft must channel his insanity towards fighting terrorists, not stoners! The federal crackdown this week on America's head shops, or as they're known in the capitol, 'The Axis of Julio', makes a mockery of Code Orange. If we're buying duct tape, then cops shouldn't have time for potheads."
-- Bill Maher 28 Feb 2003

"I'm a Catholic, and every time I see George W. Bush, or for that matter, Clinton and previous Presidents, talk about 'God Bless America', these kind of references make me uncomfortable, I think they're strange, and I think they're actually insulting to religious people who would rather have their relationship with God be a personal one."
-- political cartoonist Ted Rall on "Real Time With Bill Maher", 28 Feb 2003

"When peace stands for surrender, fear, loss of dignity and freedom, it is no longer peace. It's suicide."
-- Oriana Fallaci, "The Rage, the Pride, and the Doubt", The Wall Street Journal 13 Mar 2003

"There's a promise that I ask everyone who works here to make. Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed citizens can change the world. Do you know why?"
"It's the only thing that ever has."
-- Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen,) Will Bailey (Josh Malina), The West Wing, "Inauguration Day Part II: Over There" Wed 12 Feb 2003

"It was the second year and everybody was a Republican whether they were or not. And people at the DNC had convinced [the President] to include the line, 'The era of big government is over.' And you couldn't live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together, and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. That's exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the next night."
"There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation."
"Well if I'd have been one of them, I'd have repeated it to everyone I met."
-- Will Bailey (Josh Malina), Toby Ziegler (Richard Schiff), The West Wing, "Inauguration Day Part II: Over There" Wed 12 Feb 2003

"Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum. Do I have a scrotum?"
-- Sharon Osbourne

"Listen, when you get home tonight, you're going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero."
"Who rides a bicycle to work when there's going to be a foot and a half of snow?"
"These are all good questions."
-- Toby Ziegler (Richard Schiff), Will Bailey (Josh Malina), The West Wing, "Holy Night" Wed 11 Dec 2002

"One can always burn a cross in the sanctity of one's bedroom."
-- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, during oral arguments on Virginia v. Black, quoted in Slate

"Anyways, he was right. Winners want the ball. I don't think I ever want to hear, 'It's too sticky for the Oval Office'. Except for parking tickets, you cheap-ass diplomats!"
-- Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen), The West Wing, "Arctic Radar" 28 Nov 2002

"How are you spending the rest of the day?"
"Filling out Chicago ballots, just pitching in."
-- Reporter, Abby Bartlet (Stockard Channing), The West Wing, "Election Night" 6 Nov 2002

"And why is that good? Why are we eager, why are we encouraging a group of people that are so howl-at-the-moon, lazy-ass stupid that they can't bring themselves to raise their hands? Why is it important that they be brought into the process?"
-- Josh Lyman (Brad Whitford) on people who don't vote, The West Wing, "The Red mass" 9 Oct 2002

"Don't worry about it?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know what that means."
"You can keep the job."
"Great. Why?"
"Why? Because you knock me out, that's why."
"How did I do that?"
"'Let's stick some arsenic in President Bartlet's drinking water and see if he delegates responsibility to the World Bank then.' 'President Bartlet' You referred to me and to the office with respect. You're a class act."
"Thank you, Mr. President."
(Exits, muttering) "Whackjob."
"Yes, sir."
-- Debbie Fiderer (Lily Tomlin), Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen), The West Wing, "College Kids" 2 Oct 2002

"If our job teaches us anything, it's that we don't know what the next President's gonna face. If we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives and who cares about making them better, if we choose someone to inspire us, then we'll be able to face what comes our way, and achieve things we can't imagine yet. Instead of telling people who's most qualified, instead of telling people who's got the better ideas, let's make it obvious. It's gonna be hard."
"Then we'll do what's hard."
-- Toby Ziegler (Richard Schiff), Josh Lyman (Brad Whitford), The West Wing, "20 Hours In America" 25 Sep 2002

"More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek, nor did we provoke, an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect, nor did we invite, a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. 44 people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition, when after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students, and our teachers, and our parents, and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels. But every time we think we've measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes, and we reach for the stars."
-- Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen), The West Wing, "20 Hours In America" 25 Sep 2002

"Never has a war been so courteously declared as, on parchment, with calligraphy, and 'Your Highness, we beseech on this day in Philadelphia, bite me, if you please.'"
-- Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe), The West Wing, "Isaac and Ishmael" 3 Oct 2001

"What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place they're eating in could just blow up without any warning?"
"Israel."
-- Girl #2 (Chastity Dotson), Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe), The West Wing "Isaac and Ishmael" 3 Oct 2001

"A martyr would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs. Killing yourself and innocent people to make a point is sick, twisted, brutal, dumbass murder. I'm going to leave you with this thought [...] we don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it."
-- Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen), The West Wing "Isaac and Ishmael" 3 Oct 2001

"You don't have the choices in a war that you have in a jury room. But I wish... I wish you didn't have to, I think death is too simple. [...] I'd put them in a small cell and make them watch home movies of birthdays and baptisms and weddings of every single person they killed. Over and over, every day for the rest of their lives. And then they'd get punched in the mouth every night at bedtime."
-- Josh Lyman (Brad Whitford), The West Wing "Isaac and Ishmael" 3 Oct 2001

"But listen, don't worry about all this right now. We've got you covered. Worry about school, worry about what you're going to tell your parents when you break curfew. You're gonna meet guys, gonna meet girls, (not so much you, Fred.) Learn things, be good to each other. Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book. In the meantime, remember pluralism. You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea! Makes 'em absolutely crazy.
"Go!"
-- Josh Lyman (Brad Whitford), The West Wing "Isaac and Ishmael" 3 Oct 2001

"No, sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place."
-- Toby Ziegler (Richard Schiff), The West Wing "These Crackpots and These Women" 27 Oct 1999

"Why do your people always ask if someone is ready right before you're going to do something massively unwise?"
"Tradition."
-- Delenn (Mira Furlan), Ambassador Jeffrey Sinclair (Michael O'Hare), Babylon 5, "World Without End" (Part 1)

"Hey folks, one way to conserve precious energy is to not fuck every twelve seconds, okay? Now, I have to admit I get a little angry when I read about the starving family consisting of a mother, father, and twenty-three children. For Christ's sake, lady! It's a vagina, not a clown car!"
-- Dennis Miller on problems in Third World nations stemming from overpopulation 19 Jul 2002

"And by the way, to all the people out there making death threats against this man and his daughter: If God had wanted you to kill in His name, you'd be living in the Middle East, not the Midwest."
-- Dennis Miller on Dr. Michael Newdow, who won a 9th Circuit Court appeal declaring the term "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional 28 Jun 2002

"There's something weird about this bullet. That could be foreign ammo."
"Bullets from elsewhere? What happened to 'Made In America'? You gonna kill here, buy here!"
-- Steve Crosetti (Jon Polito), Meldrick Lewis (Clark Johnson), Homicide "And The Rockets Dead Glare" 17 Mar 1993

"Teenage wasteland."
"Who?"
"Yeah."
-- Gil Grissom (William Peterson) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) at a rave, C.S.I. "Friends and Lovers" 3 Nov 2000

"The movie is rated R, consistent with the policy of the flywheels at the MPAA that any movie involving the intelligent treatment of teenagers must be declared off-limits for them."
-- Roger Ebert reviewing "The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys" 21 June 2002
   This reminds me of an earlier quote of Steve Dahl's on age-appropriate discussions run afoul of media regulation

"You're what my friends call a 'superior sum'bitch'. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're... Hollywood, you're weak, you're liberal, and you can't be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well those are just a few of the many reasons why."
"They're playing my song. In the future, if you're wondering, 'Crime. Boy, I don't know' is when I decided to kick your ass."
-- FL Gov Robert Ritchie (James Brolin), Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen) The West Wing "Posse Comitatus" 22 May 2002

"In California, angry parents are calling for the suspension of a high school vice principal after she lifted the skirts of teenage girls at a dance to make sure they weren't wearing thongs. You know, my prom sucked! Huh? We just all wore big conch shells on our head, Captain Nemo..."
-- Dennis Miller 3 May 2002

"You know folks, I don't blame women for getting upset with men. Do you realize when Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia arrived in Texas this week to meet with President Bush he demanded that no female air traffic controller be allowed to land his flight? Hey Abdullah, I don't think anyone from Saudi Arabia should be telling us how to land a jet anytime soon, okay? [...] You know, just because the women in your country can't see through the burlap sleeping bag you make them wear to shower in, that doesn't mean you can tell our women what to do! That's Oprah's job!"
-- Dennis Miller 3 May 2002

"And since these folks aren't really interested in seeing Britney sing live (because she doesn't apparently), I came to my ultimate conclusion on the subject: people are into Britney Spears because they want to fuck Britney Spears."
-- Kevin Smith, Arena magazine column January 2002

"You're scared of Babish."
"Oh, like you're not."
"No, because we are both men of Chicago."
"What is it with people from Chicago, they're so happy to have been born there? I meet so many people who can't wait to tell me they're from Chicago, and when I meet them they're living anywhere but Chicago."
"You wouldn't understand."
-- Leo McGarry (John Spencer, not a Chicago native, that would be Frasier's John Mahoney), Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen), The West Wing "Bad Moon Rising" 2001

"It doesn't matter if most voters don't benefit, they all believe that someday they will. That's the problem with the American Dream, it makes everyone concerned for the day they're gonna be rich."
-- Jed Bartlet, The West Wing "Ways And Means" 24 Oct 2001

"Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic monumental changes. Schools should be palaces. The competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be making six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national defense. That's my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet."
-- Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe), The West Wing "Six Meetings Before Lunch" 5 Apr 2000

"They fight, they argue, they are ruled by passions and fears."
"Yes, and that is their strength. They do not see conformity, they do not surrender. Out of their differences comes symmetry. Their unique capacity to fight against impossible odds. Hurt them, and they only come back stronger. The passions we deplore have taken them to their place in the stars, and will propel them to a great destiny. Their only weakness is they do not recognize their own greatness. They forget that they have come to this place through two million years of evolution and struggle and blood, that they are better than they think, and nobler than they know. They carry within them the capacity to walk among the stars, like giants, they are the future, and we have much to learn from them.
-- Grey Council #2, Delenn, Babylon 5

"I just don't find being sodomized by a Klingon to be the height of humor. Unless it's animated by Terry Gilliam."
-- Wil Wheaton, commenting on Wesley Crusher jokes on slashdot 29 Oct 2001

"It must be depressing to believe that you have been supplied with all the answers, that you must believe them and to question them is disloyal, or a sin. Were we given minds in order to fear their questions?"
-- Roger Ebert, in a review of Waking Life 19 Oct 2001

"...But if you bought this soundtrack hoping it'd get you fucked, sucked, rimmed, blown, eaten out, fingered, snowballed, tea-bagged, dry-humped, jerked-off, or anything else remotely sexual, then I hope you saved the receipt."
-- Kevin Smith in the liner notes for the Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back soundtrack 30 Jun 2001

"I dunno, it seems that once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool."
-- Calvin

"If we're fucked up, you're to blame!"
-- Blink 182, "Anthem Part 2", Take Off Your Pants And Jacket 12 Jun 2001

"Society derives a Darwinian benefit from shows like 'Jackass'. It weeds out the weak, the stupid, and those unable to leap over speeding automobiles."
-- Nancy Walls (Daily Show) on those dumb kids that videotaped hitting a friend with a car 26 Apr 2001

"The only thing more perverse than showing this footage, would be to show it in slow motion with calliope music."
-- Steven Colbert about the same clip, followed by the clip played in slow motion with calliope music 26 Apr 2001

"Steven Seagal turned 50 on Tuesday. If the actors go on strike, does he have to quit working?"
-- Dennis Miller 13 Apr 2001

"Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago. No. 1 would have been actually living here while you're shooting. I love Chicago. No. 2 would be going out to dinner in Chicago after you've finished shooting and going to restaurants you love. Three would be using all of the Chicago locations that are great and probably haven't been used as much as they should be in movies, like the Green Mill, Wicker Park, the skyline from south looking north instead of that same shot they always use on Lake Shore Drive.

"Four would be I got to go see my nephew (looks over to Joan, the mother of said nephew). That was rockin'. And five had to be being able to go to Wrigley Field and Comiskey Park on off days."
-- John Cusack's top 5 great things about filming in Chicago, Chicago Tribune He Said, She Said 30 Mar 2000

"Did you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up? You know that feeling, that the whole country is like... one inch away from saying 'That's it, forget it.' Think about it. Everything is polluted. The environment, the government, the schools, you name it. Speaking of schools. I was walkin' the hallowed halls the other day and I asked myself, 'Is there life after high school?' Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year of this shit."
-- Happy Harry Hardon/Mark Hunter, Pump Up The Volume

"It's like coming out of sensory deprivation, or waking up from a really nice dream and finding yourself naked on a busy freeway... with mice up your ass..."
-- Spider Jerusalem, Transmetropolitan

"What I really like about making flicks is putting stuff up there that I identify with, stuff that I never get to see on screen, and stuff that I'm kind of into."
-- Kevin Smith in the Collector's Edition DVD of Mallrats

"Maybe we should go public with this. They were America's kids. They were the kids next door. They could be anyone's kids. Maybe we should all see what's going on in society."
-- Dale Todd, whose son Eric was shot in the back by Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris (Littleton, CO-Columbine HS, 4/20/1999,) on the release of Klebold & Harris's home videos documenting their preparations and reasons for their suicidal rampage. (Article in the Denver Post)

"That was me, a troublemaker with a future! The guy who was one of those guys that my parents so arrogantly saved the world for. So we could fuck it up! You can do a hell of a lot more damage in the system than outside of it."
-- Steve (Matthew Lillard), "SLC Punk!" (1999)

"[Winning is] nothing more than a byproduct of doing a lot of things really well."
-- Paul Pryma, head boys' basketball coach, Evanston (IL) Twp. HS, quoted in the Chicago Tribune

"It is not fun to get hit, it is not redeeming to cause pain, it does not make you a man when you fight, because fights are an admission that you are not smart enough to survive by your wits."
-- Roger Ebert commenting on "Fight Club", in a review of "Bringing Out The Dead" 22 Oct 1999

"Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination."
-- Calvin 6 Dec 1985

"They said that Cherry Hill East is like Columbine. EVERY high school is like Columbine!"
-- Craig Pfeiffer, former Cherry Hill (NJ) East HS student, on an A&E "Investigative Reports" piece on teenage violence

"At times, you may end up far away from home. You may not be sure of where you belong anymore. But home is always there, because home is not a place, it's wherever your passion takes you."
-- John Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner,) Babylon 5 Season 5, "Objects at Rest"

"When I was first assigned to Babylon 5, I had to learn to speak several languages. Drazi, Brakiri, Centauri, and of course English, the human language of commerce. Some words have always come easier to me than the others. One of the most difficult words for me was 'goodbye'. There is no corresponding word for 'goodbye' in Minbari. All our partings contain within them the possibility of meeting again, in other places, in other times, in other lives. So you will excuse me if I do not say 'goodbye'. Our souls are a part of this place, our hopes, the foundation of our future. And we will pass this way again."
-- Ambassador Delenn (Mira Furlan,) Babylon 5 Season 5, "Objects At Rest"

"Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place."
-- From The Onion's tips for Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material 21 Jul 1999

"From Jennicam to Aint It Cool News to Yahoo itself, popularity comes FROM CONTENT -- not the other way around. If you build it (or are a cute redhead exhibitionist) they will come."
-- Mr. Lizard (lizard@dnai.com) on the Politech list, commenting on Andrew Shapiro's (idiot) view of the Internet and free speech 15 Jul 1999

"'American Pie' is a comedy about four high school senior boys who make a pact to lose their virginity before the end of the school year. This alone makes it almost touchingly old-fashioned; I did not know Hollywood still permitted high school seniors to be virgins."
-- Roger Ebert's Chicago Sun-Times review of American Pie 9 Jul 1999

"Lord, save me from professionalism. The mainframe computer industry is about 50 years old and thinks of itself as very professional. And what did that professionalism get us? The millennium bug, Y2K, the Year 2000 Problem, whatever you call it -- a bunch of mainframe programmers conspired first to make it happen, and then, not to fix it."
-- Robert X. Cringely, It's Good Enough For PC Work 28 Mar 1998

"And in the midst of all this sad politicing, I find my faith in Christ is even stronger than it was before, and I find myself really sympathizing with the Man. Could you imagine having to watch this and all the far, far worse inanity carried out in your name, when your central message was one of peace and tolerance?"
-- Kevin Smith, discussing the Catholic League's campaign to block the release of "Dogma" 21 Jun 1999

"Religion is such a personalized thing. It's all up to you, and the whole organized religion... I find unappealing just because your beliefs are your beliefs, and everyone should respect that, and you should do what you want and have your own relationships with whatever deity you believe in."
"That has nothing to do with Catholicism."
"I know, that's why I'm not Catholic."
-- Seth Green, Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect

"These kids are 8 years old! They're not going in there and debating the existance of the Trilogy! (sic) For God's sake, you're learning how to tie a clove hitch so you can keep your brother on his bedpost all day!"
-- Dennis Miller, Politically Incorrect 8 Jan 1998

"What does it feel like to hold a beating heart?"
"It's like a spleen, except it wiggles around more."
-- Dan Rather, Dr. William Cohen (heart surgeon), Dateline NBC 4 Jun 1999

"It's not a fine line between being a schmuck, and being a nut."
-- Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect 8 Jan 1998

"We're talking about atheist Boy Scouts. What about priests? What if a priest said, 'I don't believe in God, but I want to be a priest?'"
"As long as he believes in Boy Scouts!"
-- Bill Maher, Dennis Miller, Politically Incorrect 8 Jan 1998

"Thus, while the 18-year-old [Eric] Harris was seized upon as a poster child for the plight of kids, the American justice system is striving to outfit younger and younger offenders for adult punishment. Which sets up a Solomonic riddle: If a 14-year-old is sodomized in a maximum-security prison, does his rapist get charged as a child molester?"
-- Holly Martins, suck 18 May 1999

"This film is really nothing more than getting our satisfaction in knowing that the MPAA has to sit and watch this."
-- Trey Parker on South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, quoted in Entertainment Weekly 25 May 1999

"A hardon should be gotten naturally or not at all."
"I think Mark Twain said that."
-- Paul Vitti (Robert DeNiro), Ben Sobel (Billy Crystal), "Analyze This", 1998

"He looks like Marilyn Manson hopped up on Maybelline"
-- The Daily Show's Frank DiCaro on Darth Maul

"The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But, baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and could be again."
-- Terrance Mann (James Earl Jones), Field of Dreams

"And while we're on the subject, let's get something straight: A hummer is a blow job; the boxy military conveyance coveted by decadent Web trillionaires and Mogadishu snipers is a humvee"
-- suck 20 May 1999

"My dream life would be to lie around all day in bed and watch TV while some hot broad delivers me food and shit."
-- Anton Tobias (Devon Sawa), Idle Hands, 1999

"The most secure environment in this country is a prison. And weapons are still found in prisons."
-- Springfield (OR) police Capt. Jerry Smith, quoted in the Eugene Register-Guard (Janelle Hartman, How Much Security Is Too Much?) 17 May 1999

"I went to a National Honor Society induction. The parents were just staring at me. I think they couldn't believe someone with pink hair could be smart. I want to be a high-school teacher, but I'm afraid that, based on my appearance, they won't hire me. Don't be afraid of us. Don't stereotype us."
-- Glenbrook South HS senior Lauren Barry ("NHS, alternative theater group), quoted in Newsweek, 10 May 1999

"America has been spoiling to declare war on teenagers for a long time, and Littleton is increasingly looking like our Tonkin Gulf incident, providing the panic setting we need to go after the enemy in force."
-- suck 6 May 1999

"Doritos are only the latest of items which are blamed for turning the Trenchcoat Mafia's members into murderous sociopaths. Other alleged influences include the computer game DOOM, the Internet, trenchcoats, the german language, and Hanes brand underwear. No blame has yet been laid on a violence-centered and pro-militaristic news media or parents that let didn't bother to raise their children."
-- chomsky@debian.org, in an article for segfault.org 26 Apr 1999

More relevant questions might be: Why are so many of these killers male and middle-class, rather than the poor or the underclass? Why do these assaults occur almost exclusively in rural or suburban areas? Why are these kids able to hide even severe emotional disturbance from the people closest to them?

Perhaps the most shocking thing about massacres like Littleton is that, for all of the massive amounts of coverage brought to bear on them, there really isn't anything approaching a consensus about why they occur. Since educators and authorities don't know what to do, what they tend to do is dumb.

Since the kids they're supposed to be protecting know quite well that wearing trench coats, going online or watching movies isn't dangerous in and of itself, mostly what educators and journalists end up demonstrating to kids is that they're clueless.

"If Columbine High had been more accepting of the Trench Coat Thugs, or whatever they were called, [the Trench Coat Mafia -- JL] the boys might not have gone off. That's the lesson for schools. Don't leave anyone out. Welcome everyone, even the pierced misfits with Mohawks. If Dartmouth can ban fraternities, high schools should be able to run snobby cliques off campus."
-- Logan Jenkins (column), "Thoughts on the Carnage in Colorado", The San Diego Union-Tribune 23 Apr 1999

Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. There would never be another.

It changed the future, and it changed us.

It taught us that we have to create the future,
Or others will do it for us.

It showed us that we have to care for one another,
Because if we don't, who will?

And that true strength sometimes comes from the most unlikely places.

Mostly though, I think it gave us hope,
That there can always be new beginnings,

Even for people like us.

-- Gen. Susan Ivanova (Claudia Christian)
Babylon 5 finale, "Sleeping In Light"
(Screenplay by J. Michael Stracynzski)

"20th Century Fox has announced that it will not make advance tickets available for Star Wars geeks, because the technology does not exist to print tickets resistant to semen."
-- Craig Kilbourn 30 Mar 1999

"You guys are a bunch of cynics, you know that? I mean, what kind of high school memories are you guys going to have if all you did in high school is bitch and moan about everything?"
"Bitching memories!"
"Moaning memories!"
"You guys are totally sabotaging your high school experience!"
"Guilty as charged!"
-- Andie (Meredith Monroe), Joey (Katie Holmes), Dawson (James Van Der Beek), Andie, Pacey (Joshua Jackson), Dawson's Creek, "(episode title)"

"That's one of the problems of a democracy. You get these individual voices that are very loud, and very dysfunctional. And if you cater to those voices, you end up with a very dysfunctional society."
-- George Lucas, in an interview with the New York Times 21 Mar 1999

"The reason I'm making 'Star Wars' is that I want to give young people some sort of faraway exotic environment for their imaginations to run around in. I have a strong feeling about interesting kids in space exploration. I want them to want it. I want them to get beyond the basic stupidities of the moment and think about colonizing Venus and Mars. And the only way it's going to happen is to have some dumb kid fantasize about it--to get his ray gun, jump in his ship and run off with this [Wookie] into outer space. It's our only hope in a way."
-- George Lucas, in an old interview with the New York Times 12 Sep 1976

"There's always hope, because it's the one thing nobody's figured out how to kill yet."
-- Galen (Peter Woodward,) The Babylon Project: Crusade

"After twelve years in the minors, I don't try out. Besides... I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart."
"What do you believe in, then?"
"Well I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curveball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap; I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone; I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter; I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft wet kisses that last three days. Good night."
-- Crash Davis (Kevin Costner), Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), "Bull Durham"

"Is she... as good as they say?"
"No man, we didn't fuck. No, she read poetry to me all night. It's more tiring than fucking."
-- Larry (Robert Wuhl), Ebby Calvin LaLoosh (Tim Robbins), "Bull Durham"

"Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls, it's more democratic."
-- Crash Davis (Kevin Costner,) "Bull Durham"

"This underwear feels kinda sexy. It don't make me queer, right?"
-- "Nuke" LaLoosh (Tim Robbins) wearing women's garters under his uniform, "Bull Durham"

"That ball got out of here in a hurry. You know, anything travels that far ought to have a damned stewardess on it, don't you think?"
-- Crash Davis (Kevin Costner), "Bull Durham"

"Teach me something new, man! I need to learn! Teach me something!"
"You got something to write with? Good. It's time to work on your interviews."
"'We gotta play 'em one day at a time.'"
"Sounds pretty boring."
"Of course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down."
"'I'm just happy to be here, hope I can help the ballclub.' I know, write it down. 'I just want to give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out.'"
-- "Nuke LaLoosh (Tim Robbins), Crash Davis (Kevin Costner), "Bull Durham"

"I met someone who said they'd figured out my genre: 'madcap redemption comedy.' I'll buy that."
-- Harold Ramis, in an interview with The Onion's a.v. club 3 Mar 1999

"You could join a monastery."
"Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?"
"Never."
"So much for the monastery."
-- Russell Ziske (Harold Ramis,) John Winger (Bill Murray,) "Stripes"

"Like all great romantics, he [Shakespeare] finally realized that life is a lot more likely to end up with a bunch of dead Danish people on stage than a kiss."
-- Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek), Dawson's Creek "The All-Nighter" 18 Nov 1998

"You know, the American family is more unstable than a hostage situation being negotiated by Crispin Glover. The concept of family is constantly changing. It has been altered more times than Luther Vandross's tuxedo."
-- Dennis Miller

"Mr. Witter, as awful a man as you find me to be, you came here to learn from me."
"I have learned, sir. I've learned that respect is not commanded through fear, it's earned through compassion."
-- Mr. Peterson (Edmund Kearney), Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson), Dawson's Creek "...That is the Question" 17 Feb 1999

"GM does it right -- I set, it resumes, no questions asked."
-- Car and Driver's Frank Markus on the disturbing recent trend of cruise controls becoming too "smart" for their own good. January 1999

"God, root, what is difference?"
-- Pitr, User Friendly 11 Nov 1998

"Ballard! Giardello! In my office."
"'Giardello'? Whenever my dad called me by my last name, I knew I was about to be grounded."
"You haven't experienced the Giardello Summons yet, the full-force laser beam G-ray, strips varnish off furniture, enamel off teeth?"
-- Lt. Al Giardello (Yaphet Kotto), Det. Rene Sheppard (Michael Michele), Det. John Munch (Richard Belzer), Homicide: Life on the Street "Just An Old-Fashioned Love Song", Season 7

"Gore is Clinton without a cock."
-- Bill Maher, "Politically Incorrect" 16 Oct 1998

"If you are caught in school holding a loaded gun they send you home and you get your gun back. But if they catch you at school loaded and holding they take you to jail."
-- Author Ken Kesey, in an article on the Springfield, Oregon school shooting

"I tell you, history is, in part, a series of madmen deluding people into parting with their children for loathsome and tragic schemes."
-- Sting, talking about "Children's Crusade" in a Spin interview, July 1985

"Canadians are totally different from us. I think you're getting confused by the half-Canadians, half-Americans. Just go see Strange Brew... It'll tell you all you need to know about true Canadian culture."
-- Polly Esther, suck's Fresh Fish

"I think it's really neat. Nobody on our block discovered the world was gonna end before!"
-- Sarah Hotchner (Leelee Sobieski) Deep Impact (1998)

"You know, you're going to have sex a lot more now than anyone else in our class?"
"Really?"
"Thank you for your sexual insight, Mr. Thurmond. You can sit down now."
"Famous people always get sex, Mr. Perry! That's the main reason it's good to be famous!"
-- Jason (???), Leo (Elijah Wood), Mr. Perry (Mike O'Malley), Jason Deep Impact (1998)

"Of course there are studies up the wazoo that prove kids do better under such demoralized conditions. Starvation and torture tend to generate compliance, too."
-- suck on school uniforms 31 Mar 1998

"Kids in uniform don't smile very much"
-- Josh Beal (Joseph Cross), Wide Awake

"Quizzes will be held every two weeks, not during holy days, and not during the playoffs."
-- Sr. Terry (Rosie O'Donnell), Wide Awake

"Tomorrow we'll begin with an in-depth discussion on baptism. Until then, please do not inform any of your friends, neighbors, or relatives of their impending doom."
-- Sr. Terry (Rosie O'Donnell), Wide Awake

"What are you going to do?"
"What would James Bond do?"
"You're going to hit on Sister Beatrice?"
-- Josh (Joseph Cross), Dave O'Hara (Timothy Reifsnyder), Wide Awake

"Catholic school's a lot like prison. They're both very hard to break out of."
-- Josh Beal (Joseph Cross), Wide Awake

"A Humvee squeezing through the jungle of Borneo is a tool. A Humvee squeezing into a parking space on Rodeo Drive is being driven by a tool."
-- Dennis Miller 27 Feb 1998

"All that money out there, but you can't buy fun. You know, they've got a statue of Michael Jordan in Chicago and a statue of Stan Musial in St. Louis. I don't think they're ever going to build a statue of Albert Belle"
-- Harry Caray, "These days, Harry is a big Christmas fan" (Bob Verdi) 6 Dec 96

"DSL comes in many shapes and sizes. Some of them allow faster downloading than uploading because most Internet users download more dirty pictures than they upload."
-- Robert X. Cringely 11 Feb 98 <http://www.pbs.org/cringely>

The Universe speaks in many languages, but only one voice.
The language is not Narn, or Human, or Centauri, or Gaim or Minbari.

It speaks in the language of hope,
It speaks in the language of trust,
It speaks in the language of strength,
And the language of compassion.

It is the language of the heart,
And the language of the soul,
But always it is the same voice.

It is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us,
And the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born.
It is the small, still voice that says,
We are One.

No matter the blood, no matter the skin,
No matter the world, no matter the star,
We are One.

No matter the pain, no matter the darkness,
No matter the loss, no matter the fear,
We are One.

Here, gathered together in common cause,
we agree to recognize this singular truth,
And this singular rule: That we must be kind to one another.

Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us,
And each voice lost diminishes us.
We are the voice of the Universe, the soul of creation,
The fire that will light the way to a better future.

We are One.

The humans, I think, knew they were doomed. But where another race would surrender to despair, the humans fought back with even greater strength. They made the Minbari fight for every inch of space. In my life I have never seen anything like it. They would weep, they would pray, they would say goodbye to their loved ones... and they would throw themselves, without any fear or hesitation, on the very face of Death itself, never surrendering.

No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable could help but be moved to tears by their courage, their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of ships, they used guns. When they ran out of guns, they used knives, and sticks, and bare hands. They were magnificent. I only hope that when it is my time, I may die with half as much dignity as I saw in their eyes, at the end.

They did this for two years. They never ran out of courage, but in the end, they ran out of time..."

"Get out of here! Can't you see I'm busy choosing a Little League team?"
-- Adm. Mazer Rackham Ender's Game (Screenplay) Orson Scott Card

"Look Cory, when you and I first started going out, I never kept you from seeing Shawn because I understand that there's something about a best friend that no one can replace."
"You understood that?"
"Of course, why would I spend the entire day baking a pie that I know I'm never going to eat?"
-- Topanga (Danielle Fischel), Cory (Ben Savage) Boy Meets World

"The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is that the porno film has better music."
-- Phil Spector

"You know what? If I had your job, I'd kill myself! Sit right there, I'll see if I can find a pistol for you."
-- Ernie Capadino (Jon Lovitz), A League Of Their Own

"When you're bent over moaning and wailing, it's a good idea to lick your palms. It's childish, but so is high school."
-- Ferris (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller's Day Off 1986

"How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?"
-- Elliott (Henry Thomas), E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial 1983

"He's a man from outer space and we're taking him to his space ship."
"Can't they just beam him up?"
"This is reality, Greg!"
-- Elliott (Henry THomas), Greg (KC Martel), E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial 1983

"The boss's daughter... never too young to start kissing ass."
-- Ozzie Paxton (Vincent Kartheiser), Masterminds 1997

"The confrontation was not created by the police. The confrontation was created by the people that charged the police. Gentlemen, get the thing straight, once and for all: The policeman isn't there to create disorder, the policeman is there to preserve disorder."
-- Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley, following the rioting in Grant Park during the 1968 Democratic National Convention

"Imagine me without my trademark hat!"
-- Peter Fox, Bill Amend's FoxTrot 15 Apr 97

"Cheese Whiz is not something you eat, it's something you consult a urologist for!"
-- Dennis Miller 7 Feb 97

"It's not spray-on hair, it's paint! [...] So if you're gonna paint your head, then while you're at it why don't you just wood-panel your cock?"
-- Dennis Miller, ranting about spray-on hair 7 Feb 97

"I think I live in some ridiculous movie-not a cool one, a Chris Farley action comedy with lots of fart jokes."
-- Janet Dahl, on life with husband Steve and their three now-teenage sons 27 Jan 97

"This is the best television show ever made. It's too complicated for the average viewer to understand without reading the Babylon 5 Web pages first. And I respect that in a show. Plus the stars get to have sex with aliens. That really opens up your options."
-- Dilbert in the January 11-17, 1997 issue of TV Guide

"If you think butt-fucking is dangerous, try human sushi."
-- Penn Jillette, in an interview with The Onion's AV Club 28 Nov 96

"Life's not fair. But the root password helps."
-- The Bastard Operator From Hell 9 Oct 96

"It's days like this that I wish that I worked for the post office. It's always good to have a chance to sit around the house and clean your assault rifles."
-- Steve Dahl about Columbus Day 14 Oct 96

"Very close, in fact this morning I kicked my dog, ate breakfast and went go-cart racing."
-- Claudia Christian, in an AOL online chat, when asked how close her personality IRL is to Babylon 5's Susan Ivanova 25 Apr 95

"Come to think of it, it must be really hard for Chinese weightlifters to do squats, since that's their natural dumping position."
-- Steve Dahl 19 Aug 96

"Well, as you know, my family is very rich and owns an airport outside of Chicago. My father always wanted me to get involved with the airport in some capacity. When I told him that I want to be an actor he asked me 'Do you want a plane? I can get you a plane'. I still went on to become an actor and ended up with my own station."
-- Michael O'Hare (Cdr./Ambassador Jeffrey Sinclair, Babylon 5, on the REAL story behind his replacement as B5's commander

One for the "Bitch, don't fuck with me" files...

"Withdraw. Or be destroyed."
"Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship."
"Why not? Only one human captain has survived battle with the Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else."
-- Ambassador Delenn (Mira Furlan), Earth Alliance Capt. Drake, Babylon 5 Season Three, "Severed Dreams" May 1996

"Where's your cup holder?"
"I don't have one."
"What do you mean you don't have one? $80,000 for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holders?"
"It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. 0-60 in four seconds, sweetie. It's a limited edition."
"You damn right it's limited! No cupholders, no back seat, just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the fuck along."
-- Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) Bad Boys

"Hello!"
"We're your new neighbors!"
"Don't be alarmed, we're Negroes!"
(whispers) "No, man! To much bass in your voice! That scare the white folk. You got to sound like them!" (shouts in a "fake white" voice) "We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar?"
-- Mike Lowrey (Will Smith), Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) Bad Boys

"Ensign, we're Starfleet officers. 'Weird' is part of the job."
-- Capt. Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew), U.S.S. Voyager ("Deadlock", 18 Mar 96)

"Hello. I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway. Welcome to the bridge."
-- Immediately followed by the ship self-destructing. ("Deadlock")

"Pre-marital sex is against the laws of God and Man!"
"And people who aren't getting any!"
-- Jean (Peggy Rea) & Grace Kelly (Brett Butler), Grace Under Fire 27 Mar 96

"All answers are replies, but not all replies are answers."
-- Ta'Lon (Marshall Teague), Babylon 5 Season 3, "Point of No Return"

"This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received actual instructions on where to go and what to do."
-- Angela Chase (Claire Danes) My So-called Life

"Garrison Keillor? Who's this, like that Leo Buscaglia guy? 'Pump the guy next to you and enjoy life'? No thanks!"
-- Mike North, WSCR-AM 820 19 Jul 95

"To put a child in a position to care about winning and not to prepare him is wrong."
-- Bruce Pandolfini (Ben Kingsley), Searching for Bobby Fischer

"Joshua Waitzkin still plays chess. He is currently the highest-ranked player in the United States under 18. He also plays baseball, basketball, football, and soccer, and in the summer, goes fishing."
-- End credits, Searching for Bobby Fischer

"There wasn't rock 'n' roll at New Trier," she says. "There were 4,000 `Buffy' people, and three punk rock kids, and we'd stare at them in the bathroom. Nobody looked like that."
-- Liz Phair, alleged former New Trier Buffy, in a Chicago Tribune Magazine interview, April 1995

"She's the healthiest member of her species I've ever seen. She's the only member of her species I've ever seen. You have a beautiful brain, it will make a lovely addition to our files."
-- Emergency Medical Holographic Program, Star Trek: Voyager 30 Jan 95

"How did you know he intended to rape her?"
"I figure when I see a naked man chasing a woman in an alley with a butcher knife and a hardon, he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross"
"He's got a point there."
-- The Mayor (John Vernon), Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), Dirty Harry 1971

Caller: "I want to cane the Chicago Power [soccer team] for losing 26-6 to St. Louis last night."
North: "I want to cane you for even knowing about that score!"
-- Mike North, WSCR-AM (Chicago, 1160 kHz)

"Captain, being held by you is not enough to excite me."
"Sorry, sweetheart, I don't have time for anything else."
-- Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Han Solo (Harrison Ford), The Empire Strikes Back

"I'm gonna go home and have some sex."
-- Harry Temple (Jeff Daniels), Speed

"I hate this! It's revolting!"
"More?"
"Yes, please!"
-- Lt. Cmdr. Data (Brent Spiner), Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg), Star Trek: Generations

"It's a song about phlegm. Actually, they're all about phelgm."
-- Toad the Wet Sprocket's Glen Phillips, 5 Nov 94 at UIUC's Foellinger Auditorium

"[the silver cups on the mantel,] They're for my pussy. ... It wins a prize every time I show it."
-- Mrs. Slocum (Mollie Sugden), "Are You Being Served?"

"We're not doing any of that thumbs-up shit."
-- Roger Ebert on the Late Show with David Letterman

"Remember, it's always September somewhere on the net."
-- Austin Loomis <aloomis@whale.st.usm.edu> on alt.discordia, 1 Sep 94

"Federal regulations prohibit me from speaking like an adult to adults."
-- WLUP-AM/FM (Chicago)'s Steve Dahl, 24 Sep 93

"When I look at a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect."
-- Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin), L.A. Story

"My own very adequate memory not being good enough for Starfleet, I am pleased to put my voice to this official record of this day. Everything's under control. End log."
-- Odo (Rene Auborjonois), "Necessary Evil", Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Season 2

"...and in searching for the cause of our social ills, we could choose to blame the media, or the congress, or an administration that's been in power for twelve years. Or, we could blame me."
-- Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen)

"Earth. Oh, don't get me wrong, a thousand years ago it had character... Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, Watergate..."
-- "Q" (John DeLancie), Deep Space Nine: "Q-Less"

"So take your Grey Poupon my friend, and shove it up your ass!"
-- Aerosmith, "Eat the Rich", Get A Grip (1993)

"Where the hell are the singin' cats?"
-- Paul Newman, The Late Show with David Letterman, 30 Aug 93

"How can I possibly convince you I'm human?"
"Die."
-- "Q" (John DeLancie) & Worf (Michael Dorn), Star Trek: The Next Generation "Deja Q"